Episode 181: How To Become More Intentional and Present in Your Parenting with Holly Swenson
/In this podcast episode, we dive into how to become more intentional and present in parenting. Our guest is Holly Swenson, BSN, RN, a mother to four sons, a wellness blogger and the author of the book “Stop, Drop, Grow, & Glow”.
Here are some of the topics we covered in this episode:
How parents struggle to “let it be” and “let it go” and the concept of surrender in parenting
Steps and examples on transitioning from feeling stuck to soft surrender
Tips for self-care challenges for moms with young children
Holly’s framework “Stop, Drop, Grow, & Glow”
Mindfulness and meditation in parenting and the importance of mindful practices
Balancing self-care with parenthood for personal growth
Guidance for parenting and self-identity
5 Rights of Parenting
If you wish to connect with Holly Swenson, visit her website liveyourglow.live, and follow her on Instagram @hollyswenson.
Remember, from Holly's insights on surrender to the transformative power of mindfulness, there are endless ways to deepen the connection with your children while nurturing your own growth.
Resources:
TRANSCRIPT
Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.
Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go!
Laura: Hello everybody. This is Doctor Laura Froyen and on this week's episode of the Balanced Parent Podcast, we are going to be talking about how it's become more intentional and present in your parenting with Holly Swenson. And she's got a great book out called Stop Drop, Grow and Glow and we're gonna dig right into it. So Holly, welcome to the show. I'm so happy to have you here. Why don't you tell us a little bit more about who you are and what you do?
Holly: Yes. Thank you so much for having me. Laura. I'm grateful to be here. I am an author on the rise and really on a mission to bring more wellness, joy and intention to parenting and beyond. And for me, I have, I was formally trained as a, an RN BSN, RN. I have four beautiful sons who are teaching me every day,
Laura: They are best teachers, right?
Holly: I'm a wellness blogger and I always say I'm a perpetual student of life because I love just this concept of continually learning. So that's a quick, quick backdrop of who I am and what I'm doing.
Laura: Okay, so Holly off the cuff question, what is something you've learned? Like most recently, the like most recent thing you learned, whether it's a small fact from your child or that kind of lit you up?
Holly: Well, you know, I, I think for me something that I don't know, just the first thought that came to my mind when you ask that question is I think so I, you know, having four kids as roommates, you know, I'm always finding fun treasures around the house and I had a moment where I went down to pull silverware out of my drawer and I opened the drawer and there was silverware everywhere. Like it wasn't, you know, the forks and the forks that, you know, the, the knives and the spoons, they were, you know, whoever had emptied the dishwasher had just like, thrown them in the drawer. And I, I used that moment to really, like, find humor and smile about, you know, the path of what it means to be a parent and, and taking a moment to really just infuse that, like, even though that's something very simple. But I think when you're dealing with kids and you've got all these different things that, you know, these little fires you're putting out or different things, you're trying to mold and help your kids to, you know, to figure out. I really took that moment to smile, in a moment that could have been like, oh, why did they not put, you know, these things away right. I'm trying to, to find more joy in the things that are like letting go of things that really don't matter as much. So, does that make sense? So, really trying to find the humor in, in things that are, that you can just let go of. That's, that was my, my recent lesson.
Laura: Yeah. No, I feel like what you're saying is, you know, there's, the world has handed us so many shoulds that we wear like weights around our necks and then having an opportunity to shift into curiosity and into delight, that pause, that moment of, okay, so the spoons are not in the right spot, but who says there's the right spot? And what else is true when I look at this drawer? You know, so like I'm just imagining your kids unloading the dishwasher and trying to do it as fast as they can so they can get back to LEGO or get outside to help dad rake or you know, just I'm just imagining kind of what that rushed job of putting the spoons and forks and cutlery away was also a representation of. And I love that invitation to start shifting the way we view those lens, you know, view those things, the lens through which we view all of these little mundane things that you know, can cause a hiccup or cause like cause us to have a moment of uncomfortable, you know, of, of negative feelings when we could be accessing some positives. And not that it's bad to have those negative feelings, but it's interesting to think about that that way. Thank you.
Holly: Yeah, just putting a spin on something like thinking about it in a way that you know, it's like this is the work I'm here to do and yes, I have to, you know, help guide them in the right direction. But sometimes I just, like, let it be what it is.
Laura: Yeah. Let it be what it is. I think that that's really hard. Why do you think that's so hard for us to just let it be and let it go? Well, I think we have a lot of societal conditioning that makes it hard for us to let go.
Holly: You know, I think we have these, like, storybook images of what, you know, what it's supposed to look like and feel like. And you know, life really doesn't always follow the story book. And so I think that you have to just learn to meet life, you know, where, where it is like just head on, you know, and as joyful as you can and, and not every moment will be joyful. But I think when you, when you can just let go and I, you know, I love the word surrender. And so I think with parenting, you know, you're asked to surrender in a lot of instances. And so I think when you can just practice that, it will help you.
Laura: Talk to me. Yeah, talk to me a little bit more about surrender. I love that word. I had a, when I was birthing my kids, I had a stone that had surrender carved into it that I used as kind of a, a focal point. I feel very curious about kind of what that word means to you. What it means to surrender as a parent.
Holly: I really, ultimately, I think surrender for me is it, is that practice of letting go and trusting that you're on your journey for a reason. And, and, and also like, I think, you know, for me too, it's like letting go of some of the control that you think you have to like, manage so much all the time. I mean, you are doing a lot of managing, but I think sometimes you can just, you know, for me that the word that's showing up a lot is softened, like just soften in those places, maybe where you feel tension or where you feel stressed and kind of surrender to, to what life is asking you and, and it with a little more gentility and grace. And so for me, that's kind of what's ringing true for surrender, at least at this point in my life.
Laura: Yeah. You know, for this past year, you know, I went through a really hard year personally and with one of my kids and I felt very brittle and the way you're talking about softening and surrendering feels like it could be an antidote to that brittleness. You know, that just like any little, the next little thing is gonna crack me or break me versus becoming a little bit more supple, a little bit more resilient. And I, I feel like I'm in that place now, I'm trying to think about how I got there through a lot of rest. You know, just a lot of rest. What are some ways for folks who are feeling, feeling really stuck in that kind of brittle, hard, easy to crack. You know, one last straw is gonna break our back kind of in that place to move from that place of. I can't even say the words but, you know, to a more soft and supple surrendered place. How can we like? What are the steps to get there?
Holly: Well, I mean, I think it will look a little different to each person, but I think the first step is self awareness and knowing that that's where you're at in life. Like having that consciousness enough. Like, wow, I'm in a space that's maybe not where I really want to be. But I, you know, so I think having that awareness is really a good first step. And then I also really value the importance of self care and taking time for yourself every day because I think a lot of parents especially feel, you know, worn down or they're, you know, like you said, like the word brittle, you use the word brittle just because we're always, we are always on. And so you don't have that like rest and reset time to really nurture yourself. But I think that if you start cultivating more, you know, time for yourself, so maybe it's meditation, maybe it's, you know, making time for more exercise or whatever it is that helps you find your reset button, making time to take care of yourself a little bit every day and maybe it's just breathing, maybe it's five minutes and that's all you have. But taking a moment to intentionally sit down and breathe or just practice awareness, there will help you to start finding more softness in your life. And also maybe finding more gratitude for those hard parts that are teaching you lessons that you don't always want to learn, but that you're being asked to learn.
Laura: Can you give me an example of what that looks like for you?
Holly: Well, I think, you know, dear, I don't know that I have like a great example to pull from, but I think it's just, you know, I mean, maybe it's a conflict you're having with your, with your kiddo or maybe, you know, you know, cell phones are a big hot button issue with, you know, with older kids, you know, that you're, you know, your kids want, you know, trying to balance screen time or, you know, that sort of thing. And so it's a, it's an area that creates some tension, I think for a lot of families. And so I think a like, I also believe in good boundary setting. So teaching your kids healthy ways to engage with, you know, like if we're talking about cell phones, like how do you set boundaries where, where it feels good to you and to them and that's not always you're not always going to drive there, but how do you, you know, help them form, you know, healthy habits with, with electronics or, you know, with their device and then how, how can it also help you not have to feel like you have to micro manage everything they are doing, if that makes sense, so
Laura: Sure, yeah, you know, I'm thinking about myself how I moved through this most recent time period. I think I had to give myself just okay, so what is one thing I can do that I can, I know I can do on a regular basis. I really had to find that just like the like the like the lowest, the lowest possible fruit on the tree to that I could pluck regularly. I mean, for me, it was getting back into therapy, into regular therapy, like regular sessions with my therapist in the past in other moments of brittleness kind of in my life. It's been making time for 30 minutes of daily movement. Usually yoga. I just like getting into my body. I have felt incredibly privileged and blessed with a partner who really prioritizes my health and well being and makes that time super available for me. And I do that for him too. That's part of our, you know, relationship. I feel very curious, you know, I think that moms feel we hear a lot make time for self care and then the reality of doing that is so hard. Do you have any tips for, for moms who are maybe in that place where they know they need it. They, they're having that brittle feeling and like to, just to get those five minutes to even because, I mean, you know, I know that people say we all have the same number of hours in the day. But, I mean, to the mom with, you know, 3, 4 kids, you know, under all, under 5, you know, it's, it's feels like a lot. It feels very hard.
Holly: Yes. So, so here's my advice and, you know, we have four boys and, you know, they're getting a little older now but um they're all at home and, you know, for me where I found that I can really tap into some of my own self care is sometimes it's early in the morning before my family even gets up. And I know that that sometimes doesn't feel the best, you know, depending on what your habits and rhythms are. Like, not everybody loves getting up early in the morning. But, you know, for me that's where I can fit it in, you know, on days that are really busy and I really, like, don't have time during the day. It's like, okay, I try to make, you know, 15 to 30 minutes to, you know, sit and find some quiet space or, you know, if you're a night out, maybe you do it after your kids go to and then you take some time to do something that fills your cup and again, I think it's, it comes down to practice, you know, because I think it can be easy to resist or put it off or like, you know, you need it, but, oh, you know, I'll do it.
Laura: Why do we do that?
Holly: I don't know because we don't feel good. I mean, it's, you know, we pay the price. So I also think it's part of, it's just, it's practice and it's making it your habit and once it, of your habit then it feels easier to access.
Laura: Yeah. I, I mean, that makes complete sense. You know. So, for so long my kids have always been early risers and for so long they went to bed early and now they're older, they're 11 and 8.5 and they stay up until like 8, 8:30 sometimes 9, you know, because they're reading and everything and I used to have in my head, you know, before this was a really rough transition for us because before we put them to bed they'd stay in their rooms and my husband and I had an hour or two every single night for ourselves. You know, we'd get to, you know, hang out, talk on the couch, I'd maybe do some painting. I mean, we would just get to have our time and when they started to stay up late all of a sudden, my husband and I were like, wait a second. What about us?
Holly: What happened to our time, our sacred hour?
Laura: Our sacred time. And, you know, and then I, I, we have, we have the neighbor kids that my kids love to play with. And I was starting to feel really lonely for my kids because normally they would come home and stay home with us. But now they've been running off with the neighbor kids and I started thinking about, okay, so now they're in this new stage, they're becoming a little bit more peer oriented, that's really developmentally appropriate. They're staying up later. Now, I need to take that hour that they're off playing with their friends that I normally would have with them and have that for me, my time for myself. And then, you know, I don't need it when they go to bed. But I, I think that like, as our kids age, as they move into new developmental stages, we need to be flexible with, you know, like, so if we've gotten really creative when they're young and then they grow, then all of a sudden, you know, we're bereft because we're, we've lost, you know, the, the things we put into place, we have to be flexible and creative in making new space for ourselves as our kids, you know?
Holly: Absolutely. I totally believe that. And, and also too, I mean, sometimes it can be even as simple as like penciling in, like, looking at your week and penciling it in, like, something on your calendar so that it makes you more drawn to do that, like, make space for yourself to. Okay,I see. I have an hour here, like, like you said, like, shifting it to, like, when you're, you know, your kid is out playing with his friends, like, that's your window. And so really just, you know, making, you know, time to take care of yourself, it's so important, It will make you a better parent.
Laura: Yeah, absolutely. I, I have also found for myself that having, having it as a part of like my, not just scheduled with myself but scheduled with someone else, like attending a Zumba class or attending an art class, having it in my calendar, something I've signed up for and paid for really helps me make those things a priority, you know. So I have a, my Monday morning Zumba class that I love. I have a Wednesday morning yoga class that's in person that I love. I have regular painting classes at an art center that I love to go to and having those things where people are expecting me to be there. And if I'm not there, they're like, where were you? We missed you. That feels really good and make and helps me make myself a priority.
Holly: That's amazing. So, you're doing, you're doing some really good work. I think it's fabulous.
Laura: I mean, it's not easy though. And again, there's privilege there, you know, I have the financial privilege of being able to, to work in those spaces. I have the, you know, the time privilege of having a partner who is able to be home with the kids during those times. There's lots of privilege that goes into it. Yeah. Okay, so I would love to, to talk a little bit about your, your framework that you talk about in your book. Can we do that?
Holly: Absolutely.
Laura: Okay.
Holly: Yes. So, you know, I created a framework and my framework is actually in my title, Stop, Drop, Grow, and Glow. I, I wanted it to be something that was kind of easy to access and remember. And, and so, you know, the, the ultimate, you know, premise is that I, I'm hopeful that it will help, you know, really revolutionize the way you parent and, and help parents align with who they want to be and how they show up for their family. Like that's really, I just want to create more wellness in the world. And so that was really, you know, kind of what this is rooted in. And so Stop is really about assessing where you are to date both as a parent, but also as an individual because I think it's important to take stock of both and not, you know, I think as parents, we kind of, we take everyone else's stuff on and sometimes we forget our own identity. And so I think it's important to separate the two and do some, just some internal gazing on what's going well in your life. And maybe if you have some sticky parts that aren't going well, maybe just, you know, kind of curl up with those and, you know, figure out, you know, how you can make improvements or, you know, where you need to put in a little more work to, to get to where you want to be. And if, and if you feel like you're on track and things are going well, then that's, that's also, you know, that's also helpful to have that your own internal feedback of like, you know what I'm on track and things are going well. So I I, for me it's the first, you know, the first area is Stop to just stop and check in with you.
Laura: I really liked that phrase, internal gazing that just felt very delightful. I feel like so much we like we put so much scrutiny and pressure and judgment on ourselves and you're talking about something completely different. You're talking about open, curious noticing, you know, within ourselves. Yeah, that feels so much better.
Holly: I'm glad that lands well, you know, and again, these are just really brief, there's a lot more depth to it, but I'm just want to give, you know, drops of what, you know what this entails. And so Drop is really working to, to drop any drama, trauma or personal past lived history that's keeping you from living in the now and, and really like, kind of holding you back from stepping in to, you know, being in the present. And I think when you have those things in life that are kind of pulling you away from really showing up, you know, for yourself and for your family or, or even the outside world in a way that where you feel distracted or kind of fractured. I think, I think it's important to just do some work on yourself to see if there are any areas that, that it feels like, oh, that's kind of ringing a bell, you know. Oh, maybe that really, I never thought about it but it's, it's more of an opportunity to, again, cultivate curiosity but, but also to maybe do some deeper work if there are things in your life that you feel like need some attention, you know, I do, so.
Laura: And so you're not just talking about like pushing them aside, ignoring them, kind of that kind of, I don't know, uber positive, like just let that go. It's in the past you're talking about. Okay, so if we're really going to drop them, we need to do the work so that we can shed them.
Holly: Absolutely. It forget it. It doesn't mean forget it, but it means not letting it take away from what you have to give because even if we think we like, oh, well that happened, you know, it's, it's like, okay, wait a minute. It's still there, it's still breathing. And I just, I think when you reach a certain point in life and you're ready to put the work in and, and releasing in a healthy way, I think it will help you step into more wellness.
Laura: Okay. And so what are some of the ways that folks can go through the process of, of dropping other than therapy?
Holly: Well, I mean, sometimes, you know, some of this work is really done, you know, even on your own, I mean, you don't even necessarily, sometimes, you know, there are things in like where a therapist is really valuable and, and can be that sounding board that you need to really work through things because some of the some of life's, you know, everyone's journey is different and so sometimes having that outside resources invaluable, some of this stuff you can work through on your own. And, and, and then I think it's also like in terms of looking at, you know, some of your, you know, like maybe your family, your family lineage, you know, are there areas that you want to, you know, maybe certain things in your childhood you really love, but maybe there were certain things that were, you're like, wow, I don't want to pass this on to, to the next generation. So I wanna shift out of, you know, what was familiar to me so that I can create a healthier platform for my children as they grow and then raise the next generation. So there's some depth to it for sure of, of really getting in there and doing, you know, I think getting creative and creative and curious again, I think, you know, I think it's important.
Laura: I really love internal family systems work and like inner child work for that process, you know, that you're discussing, I really love digging into those things and like connecting to the art in our world or our, our part to carry all of our stories and do all of our meaning making. I, I like getting to know those parts because so often they're running the show kind of behind the scene, you know, and then once we get to know them, hold them to the light, ask them what they need, how we can support them. They, they allow us to stop acting from old wounds, you know, and kind of be more available to the present and the now. So I really like that.
Holly: Yeah. Thank you for that and then Grow is it's really learning to expand your awareness and as a parent and lean on habits that will support and nourish you on a deeper level. And so again, you know, I think it's always an individualized journey of what calls to you for what that means. But for me, like, you know, mindfulness practices such as meditation. So, but I've made meditation a big part of my life and I try to make time to, to create space in that, in that way for me because it helps me to find my peace.
Laura: What kind of meditation do you do?
Holly: You know? So I kind of like, I'll just do like a mindfulness meditation or I'll sit and even infuse like a little bit of prayer into my, like, it's more of like a gratitude prayer of like just being, you know, like remembering all the things I have to be grateful for or wishing the world well, you know, I think we're living in challenging times. And so I try to, like, put my good energy out into the world in a way that I hope it is helpful. I think, I believe, you know, energy, it's powerful. I think where you put your thoughts and your attention. So I try to create a space of goodness for myself and then hopefully for, you know, for my family and for the world, like, that's my time.
Laura: How did you get started on mindfulness and meditation?
Holly: Yep. So I, for me, I, I actually, when my, I was probably seven or seven or even close to eight years ago. Now that I went, I went actually to a wellness retreat and it was then that I realized like, I really hadn't taken the time to like stop or be still like, I, I just was like, always running like with my, my, my head, you know, we have four kids and we started with twins and we had 1, 12 months later. So it was like having children. And so it was really a lot. And so I just, I just hadn't really taken a break. And so taking this wellness journey for me, it showed me the importance of getting quiet, of making space in your life to find stillness and honor your, you know, who you are and what you bring. And so that was kind of what really set me on the path of making more time in my life. And I'm really grateful that that, that landed for me.
Laura: I feel like lots of the folks that I talked to about mindfulness or meditation, they feel really confined by the need to do it, right. And I'm kind of curious if you had that process as you started to make kind of your mindfulness, practice your own and individualize it for yourself and any tips for people who are, I don't know, looking for permission to kind of just do it the way that's right for them.
Holly: Absolutely. I, I think you should take the stress element out of it. You're not, there's no wrong way to meditate. You know, I think it's, it's really about, you know, it can even be as simple as counting numbers, you know, to keep you keep your mind like from thinking about, you know, it could be 1, 2, 1, 2 or like a sweet mantra, you know, something that's that helps keep your mind focused on just being in the present. But, you know, or you can do a guided meditation. You could even, there's so much online you could put on something, you know, on your phone.
Laura: Spotify has so many great guided meditation.
Holly: So there's a ton out there. Like if you are like, I'm not feeling creative or I can't stay on track, put on something that helps keep you, you know, supported in your meditation. It can be, you know, there's, there's a lot available that now that, that never used to be.
Laura: So as I've been dabbling with, I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and as I've been kind of dabbling in accepting my neurodiversity and understanding why sometimes mindfulness is so hard for me. It's because I have an interest based n nervous system. And I have found that guided visualizations are like my joy when it comes to things where the, you know, the person speaking takes you on this journey where you're in your mind, kind of constructing a world that as you follow along. Oh, I love that.
Holly: Yeah, those are powerful.
Laura: And my nervous system loves them. And, you know, I think that there is, I think that there's some idea that those aren't, you know, real meditation, real meditation is sitting in silence with a blank and empty mind. And of course, we know that that's not true, you know.
Holly: Absolutely. And that's again where I think you individualize it, like what feels good to you in your body and like, I love that you say, like, that is your jam. Like that's what makes you feel like nourished and like, and to be able to go on these creative journeys where, you know, it's, it's pretty powerful, like where your mind will take you sometimes. And so I think that that's giving yourself freedom to also try on different meditations. Like, if you're curious about it, you've never done it to, to like maybe try a few different types. One like strikes your fancy.
Laura: Yeah, I love that. Okay, and then what about the Glow piece of things?
Holly: Yes. You know, so Glow, oh I wanted to just mention a couple of other things about, you know, because I talk about mindful practice. But I also wanted to say like, I really want to drive home the importance of getting good sleep like for, you know, as parents as much sleep as you can possibly get and for your kids like making it a priority in your life because sleep will change your life for the better if you make time for it. And then I also wanted to just talk about the importance of eating good food, like eating, eating as you know, clean whole foods as often as possible to keep your system balanced and, and you know, really able to function at an optimal level. I think diet is such an important part of your health. And so I wanted to mention that. And then the lastly in this section, I'm just going to mention the importance of learning from your children. You know, for me, my children have taught me more about myself, my strengths, my weaknesses, my capacity to love and my desire to grow, change and persevere than any other humans to date. And I think that while we're teaching our kids, you know, we're raising them up. I think we also need to value what they're teaching us and they're, they're showing us where we still have work to do as well. And so I just in this grow section, I just want to give a shout out to our kids for all that they bring to the table.
Laura: Yeah, I think that that's so important, you know, it's, they're just being themselves, they're just being kids. You know, that certainly isn't their job to help us grow. But they, they do it so beautifully, don't they? And I mean, just being open to the invitation is, is so good, so important because I think it would be easy to miss so many opportunities when we stay stuck and rigid in that, you know, that we don't have any room to grow, that we don't have any room to learn. But we know best. It's my way or the highway. Like we, we really miss out on so much richness in life.
Holly: I totally agree.
Laura: Yeah. Beautiful.
Holly: And then, and then Glow is really, you know, you know, kind of taking what you learned from my framework and applying it. But, but within this, there's also I, you know, we kind of already touched on it. But the need for self care, I believe that self care is not selfish, that it's really a necessary tool to help you thrive as a human being. And when you make that time for yourself, it will help you to glow and, and you know, be as radiant as you can be. And I think we need to reframe, you know, what self is and really support people in finding that in their lives, especially parents who don't have a lot of time for it.
Laura: There's something, oh, sorry, I was just going to ask that. So there's something that you talk about kind of taking care of yourself as a person so that you can be a better parent. And I wonder if we can just talk about that a little bit because I think sometimes when we become parents, it's like we put that the person of ourselves off to the side, they sit on the shelf and they're just going to hang out on the shelf until our kids are 18 and then we'll get to be them again. And I really love the invitation to, to bring that person into the here and now and that we get to be a full person regardless of our parents status. Can we talk about that a little bit?
Holly: Absolutely. I, yeah, I believe it's so important to keep nurturing who you are as a person and not put that on pause for 18 years because that's not healthy because when you, when you stuff yourself down, you're not able to, like, it's, it's, it's such a gift you give your kids when they can witness you being who you are. You know, like if you're living out your dreams or I, I talk about the importance of, of, of keep dreaming as a parent because I, you know, I think when they witness that, it also inspires them and it will teach them that when they become parents, they can still, you know, achieve these things that are important to them. And, and being a parent for me has been like the biggest job I've ever taken on and in such a joy. And I mean, it's all of the emotions. And so I think for me like being a mom comes first, but I am stepping into some of these other areas where I'm, you know, I wrote a book and I was able to do these things and be of service in a way that's really meaningful to me and filling my cup in, in a different way than being, you know, being a mom. And so, and, and one, you know, I, like I said, being a mom is number one for me, but it's really also awesome to be able to nurture some of these other areas in life for me that are helping me achieve things that feel meaningful. And I just can't, you know, drive that the importance of that home enough that whatever that is for you to make time in your life for it.
Laura: Yeah. You know, I think that lots of the parents, I talked to feel a little lost in knowing even who they are now that their parents, you know, those early years of motherhood shift so much in our identity, so much changes and then we have this kind of untethered feeling, you know, where we don't really know who we even are anymore as we kind of emerge out of the baby years and into the toddler years and we get catch a breath and we look around and we don't even know ourselves. Do you have any guidance for parents who are there and who are looking to find out? Okay. Wait a second now, who am I again?
Holly: Yeah. Well, I mean, again, I think it goes back to that like awareness thing. Like first of all, like realizing like, wow, I haven't thought about who I am for, you know, three years like, wow, you know, so I think it is just like about sparking your own, you know, sparking that thought of like, how have I put myself on pause? And what is it going to take for me to regain who I am? And my own identity and while being a parent at the same time? So I think it’s.
Laura: And while being compassionate towards ourselves, right? Because it makes so much sense that we put ourselves on pause, the world and the culture that we're in tells us that we matter so little, you know. And that’s not true.
Holly: Yeah, you are, you're so immersed in being with your kids and your babies and trying to do the best job that you can for them. And so I just, I think it is just touching base with, with who you are and, and you know, in this podcast like this where maybe it plants the seed of like, oh, wow, maybe that is where I am and, and I, you know, I haven't thought about that but maybe I need to, you know, take a minute for myself to figure out what my priorities are and where I am and who I am matters.
Laura: Yeah. And, you know, it's something that I've been thinking about a lot with, in regards to my own mom. So I, I've noticed that she has retired and has kind of fully like stepped into her hobbies and what kind of what she loves to do. It's been just really interesting to get to know her on a, like, I don't know, like a more adult to adult relationship. And I, I think about how delightful that is and how impossible that would have been for me to really understand as a kid. And yet she probably already, like, had those things going on that I just had no awareness of. And that's been really helpful for me to think about with my own kids now that I can have these parts of myself that maybe they aren't even aware of because they're young and they're self centered and then their kids and that's just, that's, their focus is on themselves and growing up as it should be. And, you know, maybe they'll look back on their childhood as adults and see the, the glimmers of the person that is me, you know, woven in throughout there, you know.
Holly: Absolutely. And that's kind of the joy of life and, and I think also just hitting these different stages in life and then being able to reflect and look and see, see now what you didn't see then, you know, and in that, I think it's really cool.
Laura: I agree. Yeah. Okay. I did wanna ask you, you know, I, I wanna be respectful of your time but within your, in the stop section of your book, you brought in the, the Five Rights of parenthood and I feel or of parenting. And I, I felt super curious about it. So this comes from your world as a nurse. Why don't you just explain a little bit about that and share them with us?
Holly: Sure. Yeah. So this was kind of a spin off. So there's something called the five rights of the medication administration, which it's, you know, it's a quick way to make sure you're, you know, you're giving the right medication at the right time. It's the right dose, you know, those sorts of things. And so for me, I wanted to put a parenting spin on it and create something that would be kind of easy to recall for, for parents to like, kind of do a quick self assessment of themselves. And so that was kind of how this took shape. And so I'll run through them briefly with you and, and, you know, again, I think it's, for me, it was really just a way for, for parents to be able to touch base with how you're presenting as a parent. And so for the first one is right now, so it's learning to be in the moment, not distracted doing, you know, three other things. I mean, you're going to have moments in life where you are working or you, you know, you're busy and you can't give your child your full attention. But I think it's important to carve out time that's devoted to being present and they feel that they feel when you're like, all in with them or when you're like, mom's kind of here, but she's kind of doing, you know, three other things and not really like, you know, as available as she could be. And so I think I just want, I wanted to plant that seed for people of what does that mean, to show up right now for your, for your family. And number two is right, intent. And so this is really being intentional with the choices, the choices you make, the guidelines you set and how you're treating your child. Like how, you know, what does that look like for you? I think, you know, if you don't know why you're doing what you're doing, maybe you should, you know, reflect.
Laura: Take a pause.
Holly: Take a pause, you know, so really just curl up with like, okay, you know, are you showing up in a way that you want to be showing up? And then the third one is the right use of speech. And I really believe that your voice is a tool of creation. And so it can create either a positive tone or a negative, you know, mood depending on where you're at. And, and so I think that it's a critical component of effective parenting is really learning how to speak in a way that you want to be speaking again. This comes down to like being conscious. Okay. Like, oh, you know, and you're going to misspeak at times, you're going to say things that you wish that you're like, oh man, I wish I hadn't said that or, and that's part of being human. I mean, we all make mistakes, we all say things we're like, oh, I wish I hadn't said that, but for whatever reason you did. And so I think it's just, you know, practicing self compassion, but also trying to get more intentional with how you are speaking to the ones you love. And then the fourth one is the right use of power. And so you, you know, as a parent, you are the guiding light for your child and you are the one who decides on discipline, you set boundaries and you have the final say on whatever issue arises, you know, during the 18 years that they are under your roof. And so I, I wanted to really just create again this, like we plant the seed of like how are you showing up and how are you using power in your family? What does this look like?
Laura: Yeah. The idea of power with rather than power over with our kids. Yeah.
Holly: Yeah. And then the last one is the right use of love. And so this one is my favorite. I really believe that love is the cure for all that ails us, parenting and beyond. And so I believe that you should tell, you know, tell your children you love them as often as you can because it matters and it makes a difference for them and it makes them feel valued and supported and, and cared for and, and even, and I, I think I also mentioned, you know, even as they get older and maybe they don't tell, you know, say it back to you the way you wish they would, they still feel it coming from you and it makes a difference. So.
Laura: Yeah, absolutely.
Holly: Given that love.
Laura: Yeah. And I mean, probably too, like if you were using this as a self assessment, like, am I using love unconditionally or am I attaching strings to it? You know, just maybe out of habit or, you know, because I've got my own stuff going on and do I need, you know, what do I need to do to release those strings? So am I making, you know, the proper use of love? And I really like that. I also really love in the, if we're using it as an assessment, the right now, like which now am I in, you know, am I fully present or am I being led by the past or led by the worries about the future? You know, like what story am I living? You know, it's and situating myself and my, as my voice coming from the past, you know, maybe my mom's voice is falling out of my mouth, you know, like those I really love, I love this approach, these, those five, you know, just check ins because it's, I think we all get the hint when we are kind of stepping outside of our values and parenting. But it's really hard to have, you know, to kind of know what to do with that when we get that kind of like, oh, I don't feel right and having a like a five step things. Okay these are the five things I'm gonna check in, you know, right now, right? Intent, right? Speech, right? Power, right? Love, you know, like just I really like having that brief check in. So I appreciate you sharing that with us so much.
Holly: Thank you. Thank you so much.
Laura: Absolutely. All right. So where can folks go to learn more from you and follow you?
Holly: Yes. So you can visit me online at liveyourglow.live and, and then I have got links to Instagram and Facebook. And then you can, you know, my book is available anywhere you buy your book, your book. So, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, all those great platforms. And then my book also just launched on audible and anywhere you buy your audio books.
Laura: Oh lovely.
Holly: So for busy parents who don't have time to open a book. I wanted to create a platform that felt easy and accessible.
Laura: Is it your voice on the book?
Holly: It's my voice. Yes.
Laura: Lovely. I bet that was lots of fun to record.
Holly: It was good, yeah, it was great.
Laura: Cool. Alright. Well, thank you so much, Holly, I appreciate what you're putting out into the world.
Holly: Thank you very much. It was a pleasure to visit with you.
Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from.
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All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!