Episode 166: Siblings of Spirited Kids: Compassionate Strategies for Families
/In this week's episode of The Balanced Parent Podcast, we're trying something a bit unique. If you've been a listener of the podcast for awhile you'll know that occasionally members of our BalancingU community graciously permit us to peek into their coaching sessions. Listening to their experiences can be incredibly enlightening, and we understand that many of you might face similar challenges and have burning questions. I have had several requests to do an episode on siblings of challenging children, so when the question came up in my community, I asked if we could record the conversation for the podcast. These insightful conversations of supporting siblings of behaviorally challenging children offers a rare glimpse into the challenges, triumphs, and questions that many of you may resonate with.
So today we discuss:
supporting siblings of children who may be behaviorally challenging, explosive, or going through a complex developmental phase
minimizing the impact of intense child's behavior on your other child(ren).
If you found this episode helpful, please consider sharing it with others who might benefit from this conversation.
Our BalancingU community members get to have conversations just like this with me each an every week, and we’d love to have you join us for them! If you'd like to explore this opportunity further, simply click here to find out more!
TRANSCRIPT
Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.
Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go!
Laura: Hello, everybody. This is Dr Laura Froyen. And on this week's episode of the Balanced Parent podcast, we are going to be talking about supporting siblings of children who are behaviorally challenging, explosive, perhaps ner divergent or who are simply going through a really tricky period of development. So I'm going to use the term explosive or behaviorally challenging to describe these kiddos. And before we dive in, I just want to say that I have so much compassion for them. I don't want to be other in my discussion of them. So I want to frame this conversation, I guess by just saying now I know these kids are challenging or spirited or explosive kiddos are doing their very best given the circumstances that they're in. And the nervous system and neurobiology that they've got going on. It's just a simple fact that some kids have less capacity to handle the ups and downs that life gets thrown that life throws at them.
They have less ability to stay regulated in moments of big frustrations and feelings. And I, so I don't want to in any way frame these kiddos as a problem for their family or wrong or bad. We need these kiddos and our families as we'll discuss later in this conversation, we're lucky to have them. They need to be met with compassion, support and grace. And at the same time, the truth is is that sometimes when we as a family are faced with some of the parts that come with having one of these kiddos in our family, we experience significantly increased levels of stress. If you are a young child and you have a sibling who is regularly losing control of their body or their voice or their volume, when there's yelling, kicking, screaming, really hard and scary stuff going on. It makes sense that that's stressful to the siblings and honestly, it's stressful to the other human beings in the house, the adults. So the conversation that we're having today is not to vilify anyone um or make it seem like it's anyone's fault. It's just to bring a little bit broader context to um supporting a family where there is a child who's having a really difficult time for a variety of reasons.
Thinking about like all the people in the family in the family system. If we all have these kind of raw tender nervous systems right now, because things are stressful. Wouldn't it be so wonderful if we were all actively looking as a family to figure out what can we do to widen those windows to bring that level of stress in the home down. And, and start taking responsibility for, for that rather than putting the responsibility on, on kind of the one person who's maybe, makes the stress more visible to everybody else. Kind of taking some ownership in the family system that, hey, yes, this one kid is maybe having a hard time and we as a family are going to make adjustments for all of us to take care of all of us. So that when those hard times happen, we're more flexible and less brittle. We're more able to be resilient instead of being kind of easily bruised and hurt. So we're going to be specifically focusing on the siblings, but I will be talking about the family to in this conversation. So this question came up because one of my balancing new members asked it for our weekly office hours every week. Folks in my membership, get to submit questions and then sit down with me live in a private room uh and get their questions answered.
So this question that came in from one of our members and she allowed me to share it with you and it was echoed by several messages that I got from you after my first episode back when we came back in the beginning of October. And so I felt like this topic was one that you would probably be very interested in. And I think that there's probably something in here for everybody who has, has more than one kid. While some of us are dealing with more extreme behaviors in the home. We all have times where if we've got more than one kid, the, the other one might need more of our time and attention and we want to figure out how to balance support for both kids at the same time. So here's the question from my community member, how do I go about minimizing the impact of my intense child's behavior on my other child and my spouse. How do I support my typical child during these times? When by necessity, we are spending a lot of energy on my other child.
So I'm going to start off by just saying that I'm really glad for this question and for this invitation to have this conversation, we are human beings, individuals who are embedded in a family system and the same is true for our kids. So what's going on for one person as an individual in a family trickles down to the other members of the family? When one person is having a hard time or experiencing a lot of stress, the atmosphere and the environment of the home is affected by this and this is true of all family members. So if a family member is experiencing stress in the outside world or just simply within their own bodies, it can affect the other family members. So kind of what I'm going to be talking about here when we're focusing entirely and specifically on the siblings. Really, the message is the same for everybody. So I'm going to give you some specific things you can be doing for your kids. And if you, you know, maybe you're not experiencing having a child who is heightened or reactive or explosive right now in your home, but you yourself are experiencing a lot of stress or your partner is um or another relative that your child comes into contact with these recommendations fit there too. This is about figuring out how to make a home feel safe and secure to everybody in it. So even if this isn't your exact situation, I hope you'll still listen and take some of those pieces home for yourself.
So let's just dive right into why having an explosive or highly reactive child can be stressful or problematic or challenging for a sibling. So simply being in an environment where there is, you know, loudness or, you know, kicking, screaming, fear of bodily harm, things, breaking doors, slamming, all of those things are stressful to the human nervous system, especially for young kids. So there just might be a heightened level of stress. You might also start seeing some internalizing symptoms in your kiddo who's kind of maybe on the receiving end of some of this explosive behavior or just witnessing it, you might see them be more anxious more jumpy, more worried about things. You also might see them starting to do some of the behaviors that they're seeing, kids as we know, process what happens to them through play. So you might see an uptick in aggressive behaviors in play. You might see an uptick in some problem behaviors at school and all of that would be to be expected in a situation where a child is having a stressful time at home in their home environment.
So let's talk about what we can do then to support our child who is a whose sibling is having a hard time. First and foremost, making sure that that child has some one on one time with their caregivers is vitally important. I think it's really important that they have some time at home alone to play with a parent, but that they also have some fun experiences out in the community. Those two things are important because one, if your home, if you want your home signaling safety, then your child needs to have a lot of good, safe, positive experiences in the home. If that's hard to be happening right now, when their sibling is home, it can be really impactful to have the sibling who's having a hard time off doing something else. Fun or maybe utilizing some respite care if you have access to it through a family or a family friend or a relative or another caregiver so that you can have some alone time in the home with your other child. This would allow their nervous system to kind of calm down. It would let you have some one on one time for play, especially if they're younger and it might just let them have some time, some peace and quiet in their home.
I know for myself as an introvert. I need time alone in my house where no one else is there. And I don't have to worry about the emotional needs of anybody else to fully relax. And I think kids are the same. Another piece that you can be doing is really starting to help a child. The sibling develop good self care habits. Hopefully you're helping your, your other child do that too. If your other child is having explosive behaviors is very reactive, likely their system is turned on a lot and they need a lot of good self care too. But um since we're focusing on the siblings, just know that everything that I'm saying really applies to kind of everybody in the family yourself included. So making sure that they're having access to good nutrition, I mean regular routines and rhythms around food and sleep. And then helping them figure out what personally helps them feel safe and grounded. So whether that's snuggling up with you and reading a story, having cozy clothes to put on when they get home from school, so that they feel safe. I have one kid who immediately likes to change into her, these like, fleecy fuzzy pajamas and that's kind of what she lives in at home. She feels really safe and cozy. Fiiguring out what they need to decompress from a day, especially if they've been out at school, that's stressful too. And then they come into a home that's also stressful. Figuring out what they need so that their home environment can signal safety. And that leads to the idea of creating a really safe space for each of your kids.
Letting them figure out a way in your home where a place where they can go to feel super safe and secure and comforted, is really important. Oftentimes for kids that's in their room. If your sibling, if your kids are sharing a room and one child has this explosive or more challenging sibling, making sure that they have a space that is just theirs, even if it's like a corner of your bedroom or, a little tent in the corner of the living room, making that with them, get them on board and work together, ask them what would help them feel safe, what would help them feel comforted and put in it, the things that they like to do. So, some of my things that parents that I've worked with, they would make a little basket with art supplies and books that they love. Some families like to use, have a little Alexa speaker in that space so that they can ask for podcasts with headphones.
So for if your environment is loud sometimes and a child needs to have some sensory kind of protection, having some headphones that could block out noise or that they could listen to some soothing music or podcasts or audible stories that they like um is a good option. There's lots of ways to do this and really, ultimately, what it comes down to is sitting down with your child and asking them what would help you feel safe at home? I want to make a little space for you to go when things maybe get tense here or things get loud and you want to feel really safe and cozy. Where should we make that? What are your ideas? What would you like in it? How would you like the rules to be about who can go in and who can't really work collaboratively with them to make that safe and cozy space? And that can be a part of self care. Other self-care things that kids like my kids like to do are things like coming home for a bubble bath after after dinner. If you have your kids in lots of activities and you're in a stressful period in one of your kids' lives, check in with your kids and see if those activities are a source of support for them.
Or if they're an additional source of stress, some families have find that if one sibling is having a really hard time and home doesn't feel super safe, making sure that their child is enrolled in other activities that allow their child to blow off steam and have fun and connect with other peers where they don't have the stressor of those sibling interactions is better for those kids for other kids who maybe are more introverted and need more downtime. That this stressful time period when their sibling is having a hard time isn't the right time for them to be doing a lot and engage in a lot. They need more downtime and they can still get that space and that distance from their sibling while having that downtime, they don't need to be out in activities all of the time.
Okay. And so then the other piece too that I think was really important is um seeking out supportive care for your, the sibling of your I guess for all your kids, I mean, if you're in a situation where you're having lots of explosives, explosions and lots of meltdowns, most likely you all could benefit from having someone outside of the situation to talk to whatever that looks like for your family. But for these kiddos who have a explosive or difficult sibling, it can be really beneficial for them to have someone outside of the family system to talk to who is entirely on their side, who will meet them with unconditional positive regard that as much as we want to be that evenly balanced as parents, we just can't be that person in most of these situations. It is really hard to straddle that line of being unconditionally supportive and accepting of both kids at the same time when one is, you know, having a really hard time and the um the other one is kind of catching the brunt of that.
So take some pressure off yourself if you have, if you can and if you have access to it and get your kids separate therapists. So I've been very fortunate. I do want to recognize the privilege that therapy for my children is covered by my health insurance. If it wasn't, I'd be seeking support from the guidance counselors at my kids' school. As a first step, I'd also be looking into free community support options like group therapies. There are some great groups for siblings of kiddos, either with medical diagnoses or mental health diagnoses. That can be a super great source of support. Another option that isn't tapped into very frequently is looking into clinical psychology or marriage and family therapy training programs. So if you have a university or a college in your town that has a master's degree in social work, clinical psychology, counseling, psychology, marriage and family therapy, and any of those fields, those therapy related fields, oftentimes that university will have a practical clinic where those students are practicing and community members can access those services at a pretty reasonable cost. So that's something else to explore.
I know you can, people can feel a little bit nervous about using student therapists, but the research on student therapist is actually that they are quite effective for a number of reasons. One, they're not typically very entrenched in their modality of therapy, they had a chance to kind of get stuck in doing things one way. So they're more flexible and responsive to a patient's needs or to a client's needs. And the other one is that they are in the midst of learning. So all of their methods that they're being taught are kind of state of the art are fresh and new in their minds. And then finally, they're also being supervised. So you not only get this therapist, but you get their teacher helping and supporting you on your case.
So, I can't speak highly enough of student therapist opportunities. So if you have those and you're needing a therapeutic option, that's more affordable, seek out the training clinics for universities in your area. So in addition to having a space for your child whose sibling is having a hard time to discuss and get their feelings, seen and heard outside of the family, it's also really important that you create spaces and opportunities for that to happen inside your family.
So making sure that you are giving them the opportunity to be honest and vulnerable about their lived experiences with their sibling and in your home. It can be really hard to hear some of the things that they might say. This is why it's important for you to have your own therapist or your own social support networks so that you can hear your child and meet them with kind of meet their needs and not put yours on them. So that, because I do know that it can be hard to hear things like that they're scared of their sibling or that they don't like their sibling. And if you aren't able to really meet that those statements with acceptance and validation and empathy, you need to be getting your own support before you have those conversations with your kid, hopefully you're getting that and you're able to meet your kid with with empathy and support and validation. They need to be able to say the hard things they need to be able to express fully how they're feeling about the circumstances that they're in and when they can, then they can start to see the nuance in the both and that they love their sibling. And it's hard and sitting in that place of kind of incongruity with your child is really important, being able to sit there in the tension of I really love my sibling, but this is hard, is so important that you sit there and just hold that space for them without trying to solve it without jumping right into. Okay, so what can we do to make it better? They just need some time to be heard and listened to. So I think it's really important just to clarify too that, you know, I recommended getting some one on one time with them. It's important that that is one on one fun time that's not focused on kind of recovering from, you know, run ins or difficult times with their sibling. So pro coming circling back and processing hard things with their sibling is kind of separate from having one on one fun and positive time. So you need both for my kids. Most of the time that processing happens, they're older now eight and almost 11, they usually need 20 minutes or so of that in the evening at bedtime. So normally that looks like they're getting ready for bed, they need to offload stresses from the day. Sometimes I hear about siblings, sometimes I hear about people from school. But most of the time they just need a chance to kind of offload with me.
And so that happens in my room, snuggled up in bed with the door closed and we have a privacy policy that those things that they talk about with me are private um giving them that safety and security to be able to express kind of the hardest thoughts that they might have about their sibling and know that they will be met with love and acceptance and that you won't repeat them or think anything badly about them for having those thoughts is really important. This is also these times can also be a really great opportunity to do a little bit of education with your child about what their sibling is going through and what's going on for their sibling. So figuring out ways to share developmentally appropriate information about a diagnosis that your child might have the difficulties that they're facing. And really framing them from a place of compassion and grace and everybody is doing the best that they can. So I think educating our kids on their nervous systems can be really helpful at this point in time.
So I had a guest formerly on the podcast who on the show taught about this owl tree and dog kind of analogy for explaining the nervous system that I really loved. So the tree is our nervous system, the dog represents our fight or flight system. And the owl in the tree is our, why is the owl our executive functioning and kind of prefrontal cortex who does all of the good decision making and listening? And so I've explained this, use this with my kids, they find it really helpful. But the idea is is that when our owl is in our tree, we're able to make good decisions, we're able to respond respectfully and compassionately. But when something happens and we get scared or nervous or anxious or worried or angry or frustrated, those things can start making our dog that's sitting under the tree feel very nervous.
And when that dog feels nervous, what does it do? It starts barking. Right. And if a dog is barking under a tree where an owl is sitting, what do you think the owl will do? Right? The owl will fly away. And so what's happening when you know your sibling is having a hard time is her dog has started to bark and her owl has gone away. So when she's kicking or screaming or slamming the door, she's not really in control of herself because her owl isn't in her tree. And what she needs right then is for her to feel safe enough for her dog to feel safe enough to stop barking, calm down, settle down. So her owl can come back to her tree. And that happens to you too, you know. So make sure you help your child who you're talking to understand that this happens for them. It happens for us. We all have a tree, we all have an owl. We all have a dog and different things make our dog start barking. So for, you know, one child, it might be seams on their socks, really scare the dog really make the dog feel uncomfortable and itchy in their skin and he starts barking and that's why shoes get thrown across the mud room when we're trying to get ready for school in the morning for another one. another person's dog might really get upset and frustrated when they're interrupted while telling a story and that might be the thing that makes them start barking and makes the owl fly away from the tree. And then all children's dogs and people's dogs have different things that help them settle down and feel safe again. And this is a great opportunity to start exploring what helps your child's dog feel safe and start discussing what they think that helps their siblings, dog feel safe. You can also share what helps your fight or flight system start to soothe and come down and come back into a state of regulation.
And this is a great time to be generating ideas for things you can be doing in creating that safe space and coming back to this conversation, this is not a one and done conversation, but having some shared language that the whole family knows about what's happening when someone has triggered an in fight or flight and having those reactive moments can be really, really helpful. The more you use this language on a regular basis, the easier it will be for your child to tap into compassion and into grace. For themselves and for others in those moments, using this analogy has been so helpful, it allows my kids to understand their playmates at school themselves. Me and my husband when we lose our temper because it absolutely happens. And I, I really feel like those are having that shared language, whether you use that language or not, you might find other language that works better for you. But having a shared language within your family, so you can discuss it really can be helpful. And of course, then, you know, I, I don't know what's going on for every family who's listening to this.
So I can't get into the specifics of how to discuss you know, specific diagnoses. We're talking kind of in general terms. But if you are working with a therapist, if your child is working with a therapist, if you've got an evaluation and have a diagnosis from a doctor or a neuropsychologist, those folks can often provide really great resources for teaching um about the specific diagnosis that your child is facing. The other piece that I think can happen for siblings of a kiddo who um is challenging, especially if we started making adjustments and lowering demands for that kiddo. That's a huge area of recommendation is start if, if a child is consistently getting thrown off or having difficulty meeting expectations, the expectations clearly need to be adjusted or reduced so that that child can stay in a nice kind of window of tolerance and let their nervous system start to settle down a little bit so that they can then problem solve and actually have the access to the skills that they need to be successful and meet our expectations.
So a big step is often reducing expectations. And oftentimes siblings can see that start to happen with their other sibling and feel like it's not fair. Feel jealous, especially if we've, you know, we've kind of kept how we approach parenting the same for one kid, but we've become very different, more collaborative out of necessity with the other kid. I would just say that that's an invitation if your child is noticing some of those differences, like for example, how come he gets to talk to you like that? But I can't or you know, how come, you know, he doesn't have to take his plate over. But I do. So again, you could have those conversations about what is what each person, each individual is capable of on a different, you know, very various days. One that's filled with compassion and with grace. But let that also be an invitation to having a one on one conversation. That's not about the sibling, you know, that's having a hard time, but with the sibling that's kind of complaining about the differences in how both are treated, let that be an invitation to come into. You're noticing that you're not being treated in the, in the same way. Is there, is there some adjustments you'd like to have in our day to day interactions? So I don't wanna talk about, you know, your Yes. Right now, your brother isn't taking his plate over to the dishwasher. He's not able to right now. I'm helping him with that because he has other things that he's working on. How is it going with you and taking your dishwasher over the table? Is there anything that's getting in the way?
Well, I just don't want to. Okay, I, I totally understand that what's hard about it and you go into problem solving with that child. I think that these, these kids that come into our lives on these intense spirited, challenging kids. They, they are here to kind of wake us up and shake us up and to highlight the areas of parenting, even like super respectful parenting where there's a little bit of injustice in them. Many of these kids are very finely tuned in to what is just and um if they are already inviting us to make those shifts with them, why not spread that shift out to the entire family community? Start being more collaborative with your other child is basically what I'm saying. Sometimes I know, you know, for, for me, when we have one kid who, who is, you know, takes up more energy, more energetic space in the house. We sometimes it feels nice to have one kid who it doesn't have to be a big discussion every time, but just because the other kid is able to meet our expectations on a more regular basis without becoming explosive or challenging, doesn't mean that they not like equally in need of adjustments or um that they wouldn't benefit from becoming us, becoming more collaborative with them.
So even if they're not having explosions, they might still really be benefit, they probably will still really benefit from us, you know, helping them solve problems together, us inviting them in to take ownership for their problems that they do have. So I think it's a really good thing to let our more intense or spirited kids kind of give us all a call to action so that we can be more collaborative in our family in general instead of just focusing in. Well, this one kid needs it this way. I'm gonna keep doing everything else, the same with these other kids. At the same time there, I know that for some families, there's a triage type of situation and you do have to, to go where they, the need is highest.
Okay? And so then I think the last thing I really wanted to highlight um is the importance of your social support network. And the impact that having these challenging kids can have on our own well-being and on the well-being of the marital relationship if you're parenting with a partner. So I know for me personally, in this past year, I have had a very deep and radical lesson in setting my boundaries for myself, learning to care for myself in a different way. Learning that when I give and give and give, I become even more raw to and open to kind of the emotional upheaval that's happening elsewhere. And when I have good boundaries for myself, when I have good self care, and I don't mean bubble baths, I mean, a therapist, I mean, joyful movement, I mean, good nutrition and good sleep. You know, those times I'm better able to be there for my other child, for my child who's struggling for myself and for my partner. I think it's really important that if we are in a state of where one kid is having a really hard time that everybody else in the family system has their own sources of support. So get to a therapist yourself. I can't, you know, overemphasize how important that is, even if you feel like you're not gonna have anything to talk about, you will, you'll get there and you'll have something to talk about. I also think, you know, making sure that um you have some way to check in on your relationship on a regular basis. So having a regular time where that, if you're parenting with a partner that you are able to check in on are these, are, you know, how are things going for us? How are you doing? How am I doing? How can we support each other? Are we turning in, you know, and being a, a team, are we leaning on each other?
So if you're parenting with a partner that you are cohabitating with, that you are married to, I, I can't understate the, the negative impact that these challenges can have on that couple relationship. It makes complete sense that in the midst of these explosions, your tensions would be higher. Your, you and your partner's windows of tolerance would be lower. You might be more short tempered, you might kind of take out some of the stress on each other because, you know, you have that safety and security of an attachment relationship with your partner to fall back on. But it's really common for conflict to increase between couples. And the, the thing about that is, is that while it's natural, it also feeds into the cycle of insecurity and anxiety in the family system. It contributes and adds to it. Children form an attachment like relationship to um the the couple. And when it's not going well, it increases anxiety and symptoms in kids. And so if kids are already having heightened anxiety and then parents are too and then parents are fighting more then the kids are getting more anxious and it's just this like negative cycle that feeds into each other and while you might not be able to intervene and get your kids to kind of stop what's going on for them, the couple relationship is actually a place where you have quite a bit of control over things, quite a bit of power.
So there's tons of research to support that. If couples who are facing some of these challenges can turn in towards each other can get support through counseling or marital coaching can learn to communicate better with each other, learn to lean on each other for support, improve that couple relationship and that couple friendship that has positive effects, that trickle down to the kids. I just wanted to, so I, I was talking about this with my membership community and this was one of the the recommendations I gave during our coaching session. And afterwards, one of the, um one of our members had this to say, I just wanted to play her comments about this specific topic because it really highlights and I mean, it's easy to hear it from a professional but hearing it from an actual parent who's in this situation and has benefited from working on the cup of relationship. I think is even more powerful. So here's one of my community members,
Lindsey: I also just wanted to like highlight italicize and underline, the, the fact that for so long, I think that, my husband and I had like, gradually been under more and more marital stress around our challenging parenting journey. And it was, as much as you hear that advice to like, really strengthen the partnership. It's sort of like you're like, but chicken or the egg, like we were fine and now we have a problem. So if we can solve the problem, which is how hard our kid is, we'll be back to feeling less stressed and more connected. And it was so revelatory to me when we did this incredibly intensive couple's experience in the spring with the intention of, of reconnecting that we shifted some of our child's challenges in ways that are unbelievable to me. It's not that we created his challenges. But I think as like the the the culture of the household increased in stressed over time, like his ability to perceive his unwelcome like capacity to topple us as a couple in a way, like he doesn't want to do that. That's exactly he needs us to not topple from each other. And so that was just increasing his, his issues in certain ways, even though they, it wasn't the genesis. And I feel like that is like, I, I don't know how I, I don't know if I could have ever understood until I saw the, the difference that it made how huge that is because you hear it. And you're like, yeah, that makes sense. But it's like to really see the impact has been such a game changer.
Laura: It's really important to me that this community that I have my balancing you membership feel really safe and secure a place where people can be vulnerable. So I really appreciate this member allowing me to use her voice. I, you know, in order to keep our membership community really safe a place where they can feel like they can be themselves, be authentic, talk about the really hard moments without filtering themselves, they need to know that their names and that their kids' names won't be out there to be heard on the, you know, on the internet and on a podcast that is consumed around the world. But I really appreciate these moments where they do allow me to share some of the conversations that we have and kind of so that there can be a peek behind the curtain moment for everybody to be able to listen in on. So while I re-recorded my answers for most of this podcast, and the discussion that we had about supporting siblings, I also got their permission to share some of their follow up questions because so usually how we do it in our office hours is they submit a question.
I prepare an answer much like I would prepare for a podcast and interview on the topic and then they get to ask questions kind of in real time, give specific scenarios and get feedback. And then I get to also coach them and ask questions too. So I did get the permission to share some of their follow up questions. So there are several people who had kind of similar questions in on the call. And so I'm going to share a couple of those follow up questions and my responses. And I just wanted to say thank you again to this amazing membership community for allowing us to again peek into their private space into their safe space so that I can share the support with our broader balanced parenting community. I really appreciate it. And I hope that, you know, this is also helpful for those of you who maybe have been interested in being in the membership and want to figure out if it's right for them. This is the kind of conversation we have every week directly tailored to your topics and it's in a private place.
So I really appreciate my members allowing me to use this really hopeful conversation in this way. And I also just want to be super clear that I can't share as much as maybe I would like to because their privacy is really important to me. Okay. So one follow up that this mom had on after I answered this question in our group was kind of what to do if their child who is not their explosive or challenging one is starting to display some of the behaviors that they see their sibling, doing at school. So, you know, kicking, screaming, tripping or if there's just some general kind of violent place starting or aggressive place, starting to come up for this kid, what they can be doing to support them and after chatting for a little bit just to find out what exactly was going on. This was my answer.
Lindsey: Yes. Yeah. But also very typical for a five year old to, you know, to be playing with aggression and aggressive and like power play. Like those are very common themes.
Laura: My guess is if this is like, that's coming out in kind of in play at school, he might need some like, proactive opportunities to be aggressive in a socially acceptable way. So I'm talking about like wrestling and rough housing where you can like get some of that aggression out, or the invitation to play some like the bad guys or whatever with some aggressive toys, you know, like action figures or some like dinosaurs or some sharks that can, you know,
Stephanie: They very often play is that, yeah, do that but we don't typically do like wrestling at home.
Laura: Yeah. So he might need some body based wrestling just like for you, you know, you get your stuff out with but you know, your body, he, he might even like this is often a great age where kids start taking martial art too, to kind of learn some of that discipline and get some of that high impact sensory experience out of their bodies is too.
Jen: But Jen. Jen says mommy monster was my kid's favorite at age five.
Laura: So yes, they, I mean, this is a, it's a total like chasing and growling. I mean, they, and again, if we think about too. So if he's in a stressful situation where his nervous system is going into fight or flight, you know, it's natural for him to want to complete that cycle, right? So that's, that's part of what happens when we go into fight or flight, we need to complete the cycle. So, you know, when that stuff has been happening with your daughter one way to get back and your body would be to run a sprint, you know, or like do jumping jacks to get to kind of complete that fight or flight cycle, you know.
And so if he's not getting to complete the cycle, when he is experienced, being exposed to and experience some of that vicarious stress, he needs the opportunity to get that stuff out of his body too. So wrestling, rough housing chasing games where he gets to feel really powerful. One that a kid favorite is where you hold up your hands and you say let's see if you can shove me and then they push on you and of course they can't push you very hard but you pretend like, whoa, like you push me across the room or like you have them push you around the room where you're backing up and they're pushing forward with all of their might. It's a really good feedback into their, into their joints and into their, you know, sensory system and it's a really, like, lovely game to play. You have to be physically up for it.
Stephanie: Yeah. Okay. Those are good. Yeah, I remember doing some of those things with my daughter and I just for some reason, didn't Yeah, thinking to do that with him.
Laura: I mean Stephanie, so can you please be kind to yourself because it sounds like you're in a really stressful situation and you're, we're all just doing our best. So one of the really cool things about the balancing you membership community is that a lot of us have um kiddos who need extra support or who maybe are more explosive or spirited. So when someone asks a question like this one, a lot of us are, you know, it's relevant to a lot of us in the membership. And so this question that comes up next is from another community member who also has a sibling dynamic going on that she wanted some support on. So we'll listen to her question and my answer now.
Lindsey: Was gonna kind of just jump on to the the children having the understanding that there are different expectations. But then I wanted to sort of pivot that into the issue around a child as like expressing his own different expectations of like, I'm not gonna be like that brother, like in these situations and feeling a sense of like shame, but also kind of like identity shaping as a in contrast to somebody else who he's very close to and it hurts my heart a little because I think that I'm my fear is that what he's seeing is like, my brother is like ability to stay accepted in, in situations or like approved of is like conditional on behavior. And I'm, I'm gonna make sure people are pleased. Like that is my inner, my inner like concern of that is that, that's like the that he's becoming a people pleaser in a way or that he's like gonna value like that self presentation like the peace sneaker kind of role. Yeah, I mean, I just in the sense that like, I think I had a similar child wound of like, and it was totally inadvertent for my parents, but my, I had a sibling who was very physically unwell when we were children.
And so I just sort of like embodied helpfulness and engagement and like a lot of other ways, even though I was also kind of like the more emotionally challenging child. So, but I was like, you know, I feel like I tried to like counterbalance the, like, lack of physical, like, independence or helpfulness by being, like, super independent and helpful, like, if I could, like, compensate or something. And so then I'm, I'm just curious if you have any reflections on just sort of diffusing where it's, like, I'm not telling, I don't want to tell my child, like, oh, don't worry about it. Like, when your brother's having these crazy meltdowns at the dentist, like, it's totally fine because it's like, it's not totally fine, but I also want him to feel like, you know, it's okay to struggle.
Laura: Yeah. Yeah. So I, I've been really appreciating the language of like unable to access. So when they're having a hard time, like melting down at the dentist office, for example, right, then you can say like your brother isn't able to access dental care right now. He, you know, he's having and it, he's not able to access it. It's not that he's having a hard time or making everybody stare at him or, you know, whatever it is he's not able, he, his body is not able right now to sit calmly and feel safe in a dentist's chair. Is, is your body able to feel safe in a dentist chair? Do you feel safe when you're in the dentist chair? Okay. Great. Then you can sit still and go to the dentist. You know, is, it's, it's about abilities and, and safety, you know. So, when a child is having a hard time. Like at the dentist, usually that comes from a place of very, you know, very nervous system based fear or, you know, other circumstances, like just the taking of the, you know, the dishes, you know, over at on. I don't, I don't know why I'm talking about this so much, but they're like, you know, one kid on one day might be able to access that ability to take their dishes over and put them in the dishwasher. And then the next day they might not be able to access it. And so thinking about like access and ability wise, what are we, you know, what do we have the resources or the spoons for at this moment in time? And what do we not? And so helping your more, I guess, more typical child or the child that you're worried about moving into the pleasing sense of, you know, if he's saying like, well, I don't do that or I'm not gonna do that. Ask him, well, is it, will it be easy for you to not do that or will it be hard and you'll have to be pretending the whole time to not be, you know, to not do that? And because if it's easy, great, but if it's really hard, then, then we need to start thinking about what are some things that we can do to make it easier for you? Because even if you're able to pretend like it's easy and just let it, you know, and just make it look easy inside. It's still stressful and I, you know, I care about you, not just what you look like and how you act on the outside. I care about what's going on for you on the inside too.
And so if you're kind of just holding it together and making, trying to make everybody feel comfortable while you're hurting inside, I need to know about that and I really want to help you so that, everybody gets to feel comfortable in our family so that everybody gets, you know, met where they are and gets support that they need. So, you know, you know, right now, your brother isn't able to access his dental care and if going to the dentist is really hard and scary for you too. And you're able to stop yourself from having a meltdown, but it's still really scary, then let's sit down and figure out what we can do to make it feel safer for you because even if it's scary, you know, even if you can keep it together, if it's still scary, then I want to be there to support you. I don't know if that makes sense Lindsey.
Lindsey: So I, I, I love that. That makes, so I think that totally makes sense. I mean, the, the part of it that I, that I'm embarrassed to feel like is a reach for me is to actually like in those moments like, feel the wealth of, of capacity to be like, I genuinely want to help you if you're having a hard time because I, I do think there's so often that there's part of you. It's like, thank God No, no, so much for not freaking out at the dentist.
Laura: No, Lindsey. Thank you for being so honest and so clear, like, so vulnerably like like, thank you for being so authentic on that. Yes, there are 100% times too where I feel like, wait a second, you're supposed to be my easy one, you know, like, thank goodness I have one, you know, one that, you know, and I mean, and that's not true, but of course they both kids have challenging times or we all have things that are harder than others. But I, I do understand that Lindsey where and it, and when there is capacity, when you do have capacity, you can do that or if it, you know, when we're in the, in when like literally it's happening right in front of us. We're in the dentist chair, you know, and this is what's happening.
Okay. Note to self next time, both kids don't go to the dentist at the same time. It's a one on, you know, it's a, this is a one on one thing. So the other one doesn't have to see it. We don't schedule appointments at the same time, you know, we take an extra trip, you know, and you can always circle back. So even if like you're in that situation and then they do hold it together and they're like, I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna be a good boy and sit quietly. You know, if they say those things, you can circle back later, even if in the moment you're grateful. Okay? Because let's just get the heck out of here. You can always come back later and check in with him on those.
Lindsey: Yeah. Iii I think it's great to frame it that way.
Laura: And Okay, well, it turns out that this episode was a little longer than I was expecting it to be and I wasn't exactly sure if I should split it into two, but I think I'm going to just leave it as one big one and you can make your way through it. But I really just wanted to give a shout out to my balancing new members who were so vulnerable and open and allowed us to listen in on their conversations. And if this is something that you want to get in on, just know that we're here for you. There's no pressure, you'll know when it's right in your life when you want someone to walk next to you want a community walking with you supporting you in this. So that you don't have to feel like you're alone or if you found that in other places. I'm so glad or if you're getting that support, just hear from the podcast. I'm so glad too. So thank you so much for listening, taking the time out of your day. I'm so happy to, so honored that you allow me into your ears, into your mind and into your heart every week. Take good care.
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All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!