parenting as often lived in the extremes, it's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle to a place of balance. You see balance the verb, not a state of being, it is a thing you do not a thing you are, it is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing Hello, I'm dr laura fry in and this is the balanced parent podcast. We're overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion, join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go! Hello everybody welcome back to another episode of the balance parent podcast. I'm so excited to bring this topic to you today. We're going to be talking about internal family systems and how this mode of kind of therapy can help us understand what's going on inside ourselves and how we can do the really good internal healing work that we need to do to be able to show up as conscious whole parents for our kids. So I've brought in an expert on this topic and I'm so excited to welcome her to the show. Her name is Gabriella Blanco and her handle on instagram is healing parents and she's going to come in and just tell us all about internal family systems or I. F. S. And how we can apply it to our inner growth and our inner work that we're doing as parents. So Gabby, welcome to the show. Why don't you tell us a little bit more about who you are and what you do? Thank you laura. So I am a conscious parenting coach. I live in Oaxaca Mexico. I've been here for 15 years, I am originally from southern California. I am the daughter of to immigrant parents from the northern states of Mexico and I work with families across the globe specifically with parents who are intentionally healing while parenting. So that does not mean you have to be doing therapy or have read all the self help books, but just parents who have kind of really embraced the idea of parenting being a journey where we are killing ourselves as well. Yeah, I love talking about this because I think kids do a really good job of highlighting at times where we have healing to do, where we have work to do right there. So good at that. And you know, this idea of like, we're growing up alongside our kids that as we are parenting them, we can also kind of be re parenting ourselves, I think is such an important concept in such good work to be doing. So let's jump in. Why don't you tell me a little bit about kind of, we really connected around internal family systems, which is something that we both use in our work with parents, but we don't see used a lot in the parenting world for this kind of internal healing work. So why don't you just start us off and tell us a little bit about internal family systems, what it is and how you use it with parents who are doing that good in our healing work as they raise their kids. Sure. Well I think I want to start by mentioning that it was developed by Richard Schwartz who is just so wonderful. I'm sure you've listened to him before just like the calm voice that he just embodies self energy. And it's helpful for me to remember that he always says I haven't quite figured out the elevator speech because it's like where do I start? So you know, he often starts with and I think this part is really important with just embracing the fact that we have this psychological multiplicity or let's just say a bunch of different parts of us, like we actually are a bunch of different little beings inside and I think particularly my generation and especially someone who grew up like me, I was exposed to daytime soaps and I remember like multiple personality disorder just being so stigmatized on there. And so to me the idea of having different personalities with something I associated with that very stigmatized idea. Mental illness. Yeah. And so later coming to see this for the first time I was like wait a second, this makes so much sense that actually all of us are born like we come into this world with all of these different parts and you can call them personalities you know they're not just emotions because their actual beings that have like sets of beliefs and experience different emotions and have different little reminders if they send us about what we want to be doing and can have different goals and priorities and values. To exactly one thing that helps me think about parts work. The internal family systems is the idea that we have this family system within us. This kind of different parts of our being that are have their own personalities, have their own goals and values have their own unmet needs, their own strategies that they go about for getting their needs met, all of those things, all kind of within us and you're so right. It does sound when you first hear about it, just like a little like, you know, is that okay to have that? But most people I interact with around this are like, oh that's the thing, they know what we're talking about. So just even just like for example, my husband and I are in the midst of planning his sabbatical for next year and we're going to be moving to Vienna for it as a whole family, which is so exciting. But there's all these little parts and of myself, like someone have really big concerns about this. Like part of me is really excited. Another part of me is anxious. A part of me feels worried about what's going to happen with the kids, like there's all of these other parts of me who are talking to me about this big move that we're planning, you know? Yeah, exactly. Yeah and we all experience that so and giving language to it parts, language is really helpful for me and making me not feel crazy when I have like different parts of myself talking, you know, and this is like an actual thing that most people have some sense of whether they know it's a real like that there's actually a theory of therapy built around it or not, you know? Yeah. You know, it reminds me too of when I read Eckhart Tolle like for the first time and he talks about when he was hearing, listening to a woman like talking to herself on the train on his way to work. And he was like, oh I hope I never end up like that. And then like five minutes later he was in the bathroom and he looked at himself in the mirror and he's like, I hope I never end up like that. And he realized that he was talking to himself the person next. It was looking at him like, because he was actually, you know, talking out loud. So yeah, sometimes we just need that kind of reflected back to us. That's so similar to when we reflect things back to our Children. It's like, oh, it's reflected back to us in a way that makes it make a little more sense. So yeah, I think this first concept that, you know that we have this multiplicity, we have these different parts and that most of these parts have learned strategies based on survival, right? And so it didn't all necessarily happen from 0 to 2 or you know, it can happen at different points in our lives. But this part who was just born with all of this kind of freedom and a wonderful role within the system suddenly learns, oh wait this is a scary place. I need to implement some measures to keep the system safe, right? And so really understanding the beauty, loyalty and nobility of what they're doing for us from the start is another thing I really like about I. F. S. So even that part of you that when you hear good news about a friend first feels jealousy instead of this, oh that's so awful. Like I can't wait till I get rid of that emotion and I hire vibe my way out of it. It's uh hi. Oh that news hurt. That news hurt for just a little part of me when we go listen. Yeah, I'm going to go listen to that part and connect with that part and give myself some love for a second because that allows me to also see that I have all these other parts of me that are actually really excited for the friend and that, you know, and so it allows me to accept that complexity. That the fact that I felt this one difficult thing doesn't define me, you know? So that's another piece I really, really love about it and I guess it's important to mention like the three main parts, right? So it was two big categories, right? We have the protector parts and then we have the exiled parts. And then I feel like we would be remiss to mention that we have the self to Yeah. Yeah. So I mean one of the things too about EFS is that one of the things I love is that it lets you separate from the parts of yourselves that maybe have gotten in the way in the past or you know, like if we have like negative narrative running through our heads, you know, like our inner critic is talking to us for example, it allows us to see that that isn't us, that isn't the self, that that's a part talking who has that negative story and who also has a role has value, has had to develop those strategies of that negative self talk in order to keep us safe in order to protect us, you know? And so separating our parts out getting a little bit of objective distance from our part saying that I am not all of my thoughts, I am not all of the parts of me, I am me and then I have these parts within me. So yeah, there's the self and then there's these two categories of parts you were about to teach us about. Yeah, Yeah, no, that's okay. And I actually usually start with those talking about these two parts because most of us are only like those parts are running the show before we start doing the work. To understand that there's a self And so living with our protector parts really most running the show. And so the way the system kind of separates them is that we have all these parts that are just naturally there and happy and free. And then it's like, oh some parts learn that they need to be really good managers, right? So they're called the managers and they're usually very socially acceptable and they're the ones that have learned how to play the rules of the family and the rules of the game and the rules of society. So that's where we're usually like, oh no, that's actually just me. I'm like really hard working and I am a production ist, I'm the funny one, I'm a good listener friend, you know, it's the part that makes us think we have to have this functional, socially accepted label and they've gotten us so far that the system relies on them so much and we do we do think that's us right. The thing is that they also have this other side, for example, our inner critic is so helpful at allowing us to be self aware, um and allowing us to have that discernment in certain situations, but can also keep us from trying something new because it tells us no, you'll never be able to do that or it keeps us from enjoying something we did well because it focuses it wants us to focus so much on the one piece that we got wrong. So that's really how the managers work there. I think that before we bring awareness to all of this we basically just think we're our managers right? Were blended with them as they say in I. F. S. And then there's the firefighters who are basically just always on call in case the managers get it wrong, right? So let's say my inner critic got it so wrong, she just didn't protect me from feeling the shame that she keeps trying to protect me from and you know something made me feel criticized externally before I could get ahead of it. And so a firefighter will come in and say like let's turn that shame off and so let's numb like let's turn our feelings off or let's go have a drink or two, let's just turn on a few netflix episodes so we don't have to feel that awful shame and it's protecting us because together this team of managers and exiles don't want us to feel all of the feelings that those exiles are carrying around firefighters come into with defensiveness and big flashes of anger and yelling too. Right? Oh, yeah, yeah. So like firefighters are kind of, they come into a situation where the manager has kind of lost the plot and the firefighter comes in is like, let's shut this all down, let's get us out of this situation. Now, whether that's through numbing like alcohol use or through defensiveness yelling, like I will let you talk to me like that. You know, those are all things that can come from a firefighter, right? Yeah. I mean, I think any time it feels really, really, really extreme, it's very likely that it was a firefighter. We're out of control where you feel like you're just reacting, you know, where you feel like you don't even have a choice. You're just doing the thing. I feel like it's a good clue that firefighter is taking over right then. Yeah, definitely. And so this team of protector is the one thing that they have in common because their strategies are obviously so different. But the thing that they have in common is that they're both trying to keep the system functioning well, they're trying to prevent the system from exploding. And the way that they do that is by keeping these exile parts like just out of sight, out of mind. If they could, they would push them out of the system. And so yeah, who are these exiled parts? Well, there the part of us that you know, maybe I can share an example, right? One of my exiles came to be. Yeah, so I have this memory of being a little girl. I have two older sisters and they were a lot older than me. So I was very little. I was probably, I don't know 56 And so my sister was nine years old and she was driving, we were going to the beach and like my goal in life was to be accepted by them and had always been to be able to come along with them on these beach trips and you know, be a part of everything. And so we were playing UB 40 and we were just like rocking out dating myself here and suddenly like the volume turned down. I don't even know if one of my sisters did it or I saying like not, I don't know exactly what happened, but I was like just so into it and singing so loud and my sisters just like totally humiliated me, you know, it was the and so it's like my happiest moment I'm with my sisters and groovin out, I'm so you know, I look part of it and suddenly it's like and so the size of that shame for me in that moment, it really was that massive, overwhelmed the surprise and the not knowing how to fix it. And so I've come to understand that that is either the experience or one of the key experiences that really defined, you know, when my system said, okay, this part of me that felt that deep, deep, deep, deep, deep shame and rejection, embarrassment and just helplessness, like we don't need her coming up anymore, right? And so I developed a manager part to help me to be really self aware, to be a lot more measured instead of just like seeing whenever I feel like it. And I must say that manager part has helped me a lot in a lot of circumstances, especially big bicultural and having to do a lot of code switching as I was growing up. It's really been a wonderful survival strategy. But of course exiles over time, just like any oppressed group, they get more extreme and they start coming up more often. And so it's like, oh that strategy isn't working anymore. And that's when you realize, okay, I have this little her part inside of me that is carrying that shame. How are we going to work on that? Thank you so much for sharing that example. I think examples are so helpful and you know, it can be hard. I think sometimes to identify lots of us don't even have specific memories from our childhood to clue us in to what happened. You know, it sounds like that was a very clear memory for you. But lots of the folks I work with in this model don't have specific memories of their childhood. And in fact lots of folks who have the most work to do the most kind of exiles in the most wounds from those times. They don't have those memories because there's parts protecting them from the memories. Memories. Yeah. So sometimes in doing this work, you go in thinking you don't have memory. So you can't do in a child work or inner healing work. But the reality is is that one you don't always have to know what happened, the specifics of what happened. And sometimes you find out more as you peel back layers, but you don't have to know regardless of knowing the origin story of a part, you can still start listening to your parts needs, you know what their story is now in the here now. Yeah. And I think actually that's a really great segue into when the self comes in, right? So now that I understand, it's like my system has been working with all of these 10 to 30 parts that are, you know, some are exiled and some are managers and some are firefighters and the system has worked so efficiently according to them, especially the manager parts. Like you've almost forgotten that there's this self because when you're a child you have to kind of prioritize survival and so your managers take over. And so it's when we are older that we can say, oh wait a second, there is something else there and there is this other part and sometimes I experience it either when I'm with my therapist or when I have, you know, if you have found some sort of practice that allows you to you know, get to that place of just like the calm and the clarity and that is what's so beautiful because it is the self that can start having this sort of inner dialogue with all these parts. And yes, say for example, I had a manager part that when I first started doing therapy and stuff was like, great, this is our project. We're going to get to the bottom of all the wounds, were going to just putting them out, you know. And so it was much later with this kind of approach that it's like the self can say to all these parts, even if we never get to the bottom of this, we have the goodness within to restore ourselves and not just this like final goal of restoration, but rather on a daily basis. When I feel my parts acting up. When something feels off, when I feel something in my chest, when I feel something just isn't right, I can restore on that daily basis. Like, okay, who is this? Who's really frustrated right now? And no, it doesn't have to be Gabby when she was three. Who felt scared. It can just be a part of me. That's like I hate this. I'm hating this. Okay, I'm here. Tell me what you're hating. It's ok to hate this, right? I'm so irritated by my kid right now. Okay, tell me about it, Right? And so when we start being that witness for those parts of us, instead of being like, I shouldn't feel this. I've done so much therapy. How how am I still so triggered by my child doing X. Y. V. It becomes you still feel really upset sometimes when this happens, don't you tell me about it? Yes, absolutely. And I think you know what I'm hearing and what you're saying is that this is a way of being a conscious and compassionate parent to ourselves, to our inner system, right? Some visuals I think are really helpful in I FC. So sometimes when I'm visualizing my parts, I like to visualize a boardroom like, you know, see the boardroom right where we're sitting down. I've got my all my managers, all my firefighters are there often times, you know, when I was first starting this work, my exiles were usually locked in a closet because that's where the managers, they're safe, you know, because they don't want the exiles out there. The exiles have carry a lot of pain and if they've been exiled for a long time they can get really pushy with their pain. You know? And the managers are scared of them. They're scared that these exiles are going to come out and burn the place down. You know? And how would you ever get anything done right right there. So whiny there so needy. They have lots of stories about our exiles. And so I picture myself though sometimes I'm in a boardroom and it's I'm the south. I'm curious, I'm compassionate, I'm calm. I'm connected with all of these parts. I can hold space for all their feelings, all their worries, all their concerns. Just like I do with my kids. But it's happening inside me. Yeah. I'm picturing you like in a suit, which is because he doesn't happen because you said border. Yeah. Board members helpful for me sometimes. But sometimes I also picture myself as like a kindergarten teacher and that you know, like at circle time like we're sitting on the carpet and it's Circle time and all the parts are around. And in those images, sometimes the exiles are much more welcomed that it's easier to think about than being out there. They like to sit close to me. Sometimes there's one sitting in my lap. Visualization I think is a big part of working in I. F. S. If you're doing a lot of this good work, I don't know. You don't have to you don't have to do that. Yeah. But you know, I am not a particularly visual person, but I find that I. F. S. Has helped me to visualize a little more. And at the same time when I can't visualize apart, I know it doesn't matter. That's what's so great about I. F. S. Is like it can help you to visualize things maybe you wouldn't have otherwise. And so I've done a lot of years of psychoanalysis, different types of therapy. I've also I live in Oaxaca, Mexico, where there's a big traditional practice with psychedelic mushrooms. And so I've worked with guided psychedelic experiences and all of that kind of brought me to a point where I didn't know about I. F. S. But I used to have these circles that I would convene because a combination of the all the work I had done had allowed me to know that I wasn't just like one inner child. I wasn't just one little girl, like that was wounded at three. It was, oh no, there were a lot of different parts of different ages and they didn't have to necessarily be my gender. You know, it was everything kind of goes right. And I remember I used to just sit and then sit in that circle of me like who wants to sit in my lap. And that was kind of the little ritual that I would do kind of as my meditation experience. And so that's kind of the point I was at when I discovered I. F. S. And so, you know, having a name for this space, but then also some very simple dynamics for like how to engage in more conversation because I used to be like who wants to sit in my lab sometimes. You know, they tell me stuff like this this way of knowing kind of the steps of I. F. S. That you don't have to do in the therapy session. You know, you feel what they call a trailhead or a trigger. And you can say, okay, I hear you. Your brain kind of remembers the first step that you can take it to connecting with these parts. It's like, what do you want me to hear listening? Yeah, I think it's so important to know like all of these parts of us that sometimes we think are us, you know when we're defensive, when were triggered, when we're reactive that they all have a story, they all have a role, they all have a part to play. And I'm so often parts don't always get along and so there are some parts that are really don't like other parts, you know, like for example, I have some parts that are super judgy, super judgy and super annoyed with my perfectionist parts. You know, like they kind of just like they think, oh you make everything so hard or you really get in our way sometimes and it's so important to to remember if we're feeling that way towards apart, that's not us to like that's not the self because the self doesn't feel that way towards parts, that's another part that's kind of stepping into the leadership role in running the show, you know? Because the self naturally feels compassionate and curious towards all the parts, you know? And to stepping into a place of compassionate curiosity is one way to get find yourself leadership, fine, how can I approach this part? And this other part that's annoyed with this other part with curiosity that can help step out, you know? Yeah, I think that's something that's so beautiful about using the model is that it just brings us that awareness that allows us to notice like, oh I'm still in a part, you know? Like actually the other day I was feeling like this tightness in my chest and I said, I'm gonna go lay down and I'm just going to be like, okay, who's there? And I was listening and so much came up, right? So this part started telling me like, I really hate this uncertainty that we're experiencing right now. Like, why don't you just hire a coach to tell you how to sell your course? Like why? It was just like, because I was at that point when you launch, like you're selling something and nobody buys really until towards the end. And so you're like, no, you just have to wait. And this part of me was like, no, I don't want to wait for me. Yeah, my worth is tied up in this. You know, you if I'm successful, you know, so trying to bring calm to that part. And so I was like, okay, oh, I need to spend a little bit more time with this part of me. And then this other thought just popped in and it was like, remember that article we read years ago about early signs of a heart attack. And so then I was like, oh, and that was another part though. And so I feel like it's kind of similar to when you have two Children and you go and you meet the needs of one child that's expressing in that moment, they need you right there upset in there crying. And so then the other child kind of comes up like, high. I just want to make sure they're not going to tell on me or they might even get hurt. Like they might, you know, it's like when you're working with someone, one kid and the other one is like, feeling that like, oh, am I seeing them I important and they might stub their toe and you try to redirect Yeah. Our parts Yeah. Time. Right. Yeah. And so the model just helps you remember like okay. And so then I was like oh I have more, more time to spend here himself and coming back to self. And I actually let that part cry to me because there is a part of me that has been through some scary medical experiences. And so when I let that part cry to me it's that difference between letting it take over and then start crying. But in a very blended way with that part where myself isn't being the parent rather I'm this part of me is just becoming catastrophic and starting problems with the other parts of me and also getting too big for the power it even wants to have deep down and instead saying I will be here for you, I will contain for you, I will hold space for you, Cry to me because we have been through some hard stuff. Yeah, So I just want to highlight here what you're talking about is respectful parenting, but your inner parts right? And so everybody who's listening has been working so hard to be an empathetic presence for their kids, to hold space for their feelings. Everybody who's listening has been working on building skills on how to parent their Children with respect and with empathy and with compassion. You already have all these skills and most of the parents though that are listening never use those skills on themselves When we start talking to ourselves, when we start trying to change ourselves, when we start trying to figure out what we need to do to be less reactive and more responsive to our kids. We come at ourselves with all of the language that we learned growing up, why can't you get this? This shouldn't be so hard. You know if you could just get this right we'd be okay. If you know if you could just find solve this problem then your kids would be fine. We start we come at ourselves with all of the language that we learn growing up and we don't apply the beautiful, respectful parenting skills but we are building with our kids to our internal family at all. And that's what I like so much about I. F. S. Is it? Yes. Yeah. It encourages you to take those skills that you're learning on the outside with your kids and apply them on the inside for the entire systems betterment. Yes. Yes. And it's so compassionate and it becomes this like this is just how we're going to live our lives now, taking care of these Children and taking care of these parts and not hurry up system let's heal so that we can be the gentle mama that our child needs you know because I do feel like in the conscious parenting world a lot of the messaging and I understand I understand that people want to raise awareness but sometimes you just get left with the message like if you don't heal your wound it will bleed all over your child you know? And I understand that analogy but it's like wait a second you know there are probably it's I feel like it's damaging in two ways. One is a little bit fearmongering and that's never really helpful to our parts because our parts are my manager parts used to say yeah then let's be the perfectly healed mother you know? And the other part is that it can kind of make us pit our own parts against our Children. And so the way our inner parts here it is, oh I have to not feel anger because that other child is more important than me. So then we end up kind of making those parts more extreme because we basically sent the message to our inner parts like no, I'm being like you all have to be the adult with me so that I can be the adult to this child instead of saying, oh my goodness, I have all these parts inside of me that still think I'm five, that still think I'm seven and I need to be the parent to them. And so then that ends up looking like, you know, okay, I've got my actual child in front of me. I don't know, just telling me how extremely disappointed she is in my breakfast choice. You know, I have my inner child, one of my inner parts being like, well, screw her then. Yeah, you're highlighting something that I think in the respectful, peaceful, whatever parenting world, we get the sense that we have to be unruffled or unflappable for our kids, right? And so because we never learned how to actually feel our feelings, regulate our feelings, actually be present with what's going on in ourselves. What unruffled looks like then is like tamping it down, stuffing it, telling it to shut up, white knuckling through whatever it is that we're experiencing so that we can put out like you guys can't see me, but so we can put on the like, you know the risk parenting voice, you know? And one our kids see right through it. They can see right through, They feel right through it. Yeah, they feel right through it and that doesn't serve our higher growth and healing and it just keeps patterns repeating itself, right? And it hurts us. It turns parenting into an experience that hurts us even more. Yeah. And so realizing that this is the opportunity to not maybe every time address that part of you that says like, well screw her and gets offended. And it's not that every time I'm going to perfectly soothe and so then I'm going to look to my child and be like, oh, you didn't want the toast, you know? Yeah, sometimes I'm just going to be like, okay, okay, you're really not liking the toast, her Jeff, just a sec. And then you go to that part inside of you that screaming so loud that if you don't, if you don't give attention to that part of you, It's going to come out five minutes later. So maybe you faked something gentle for like five minutes and then though your child's going to five minutes later, be equally disappointed with something else. And then it's going to be like, well, doesn't anything, you know, and it's going to come out so it can be so much better in that moment to perhaps not have been so gentle with your child, but perhaps said something like, okay, you know, and take in that space in the kitchen and taking a moment with that part and said, look, I'm going to listen to you for the rest of the morning, I'm going to be listening to and I want you to know that she's probably going to be unsatisfied all morning. Right? Let's just know that this is going to happen and I'm with you and I know it might be hard for you. That's why I love this part so much that I. F. S. Has you talk to yourself Because sometimes I really need to just go in and do that and give myself the little. You don't have to not feel what you're feeling. I'm not sure I can fully be with you because I have to be with her. You know? I have to be with her. So let's just get through this. But it allows us to have that presence. You know? And so then we stop thinking presence is this beautiful magic. They came in and made us like no longer feel the trigger. Mm Hmm. But rather it's that self presence as much as we can connect with that. Because we know what are the 80s of the self? It's compassionate, clear, courageous, connected, curious, courageous, compassionate connectedness. Creative, competent, curious calm and clarity. Yeah. And so just remembering that. And I have a parenting course that I teach and the first call is always on my F. S. But the first thing I always say is without knowing anybody's story here. The one thing I know is true about every single person here is that you came into this world with these characteristics and they are untouchable and they will always be there with you. And all of us have struck like struggled to access this part of us, but that has always been there as a part of all of us. Like gentle parenting isn't something that I have to learn because I'm naturally a little bit rough around the edges. No I am naturally everything. I need to be a gentle parent. And I have roughed up my edges and that's great and I'm going to spend my life caring for myself with those edges and allowing my edges to really help me from a leadership perspective, you know, calling them in when I need them and also allowing them to know that it's not their job, it's not their job to make the system survive, that's my job and I'll you know, I will release some of that burden. Yeah, just like our kids need calm confident compassionate leaders to feel safe and to kind of relax into their roles, so to do our inner parts, right? So our inner parts need that calm, confident, compassionate connected leader so that they can relax a little bit and not feel so much pressure that they have to keep us safe and keep us protected. Right? Totally. Yeah, and I always say to our capacity to lead ourselves is directly related to our capacity to be the leaders are Children need and if so is such a beautiful model for self leadership. Where do I start? Let's have a chat. You learn a little bit about the parts and little by little you can just this is something you could do is a daily practice. You don't have to I mean it's so powerful to work with NFS therapist, but this is this can also just be the daily practice of like wait, who is that? Wait? Yeah, there's a bunch of little Children in my house, right? Or like there's something here. How can I listen with compassion to whatever it is they have to say what are their worries? What are their fears? What do they need to tell me? What was do they have to offer? And I think that it is so important to that we're not looking to cut any parts out, we're not looking to shut any parts down. You know, like for example the perfectionist part. So many of us have a perfectionist part who drives already, What are you talking about? You know, who is striving to keep us lovable, to keep us worthy to keep us safe, to keep us acceptable and loved. And so many of us have so many negative feelings towards that part. You know, we don't want to be perfectionists anymore, We don't want to have perfectionism anymore. And sometimes I think when we try to cut apart out, when we try to stop apart from doing those things, just like, you know, when a three year old is he wants to do something, the more we say don't do it, the more they want to do it right? Our parts are the same. And so we need to meet them with acceptance with gratitude for all that they've done for us, recognizing the value and recognizing the burden they've been caring for a while of kind of keeping us safe, keeping us lovable just like we meet our kids with those with those same qualities. Yeah. And I think something else I really love about I. F. S. With just regard to parenting is that it comes from Richard Swartz was originally a family therapist and so we can see so many parallels between our inner family, our inner system of parts and just how our family works and how society works. And so sometimes when I talk about managers, another example I give is the role that one parent often ends up having in a family. It's the stay at home parent or the parent who's just carrying a lot more of the childcare weight. And so that kind of manager of the family system is the only one who really knows when the dentist appointments need to happen and what the secretary is like at the dentist office and um what size clothes to buy because you don't buy their exact size now, especially not when they're for, like that's when you can start buying size six, even sometimes, you know, and so this person becomes so efficient At running the household that they don't even want the help and that when they try to share the help there, like, no, don't help me because you just asked me 500 questions about how to do it. I would just rather do it myself. And so that person just become so overburdened and so overstressed that there's this belief that I'm the only one that can do all of this and at the same time I can't, this is so hard, this is so hard and that's the person that usually doesn't hear, Oh, thank you so much for washing my socks. That person here is you haven't washed my pink socks yet. So I think that's what we do to our managers to so I don't stay to one of my managers, you know all that over explaining you learn to do has made you a really good teacher and it's really helped us in some of our like our actual manager rules and work environment to help parents. The only thing that my other parts focus on is like sometimes you explain too much, remember listening as a part of it to like and sometimes you're descending when you're doing it. Yeah instead of just saying to that part like hey thank you, you've really gotten thus far you know and so when we're only letting our parts run the show that inter bickering is going to happen a lot and it's so great when the self comes in and says yes thank you and yeah you know what I think I'm going to I'm going to remind you and maybe it's time to stop. Yeah don't worry I'll help you with that. Yeah. And part of it is part of being in self leadership to is holding boundaries and setting limits with our inner system too kind and compassionate limits. So just like the imagery of a mom or a dad who's helping to siblings figure out a disagreement. Oh so you're feeling this way and that makes sense that you would feel this way and I know for you you see it a little bit differently and you feel this way about it. Okay so right now I know I know I'm not going to let you act out in that way, I'm not going to let you hit her and I know that it hurts when you see her about to hit you. That's scary. But giving the sense of we're going to figure this out. We're all in this together and I've got this, you know, that kind of, I don't know, it's in therapy, it's called multi directed partiality and it's a skill that you learn as a family therapist. So I'm trained as a marriage and family therapist and it's a skill. You learn to be able to hold space for everybody in the family and have everybody feel like you're on their side and we have to learn to do that with our internal family, like our internal system of parts to you know, no favorites, no favorites. I see you all, you all have value and worth here and you don't have to like it and there's two, there's part of this, like when we are attempting to act out in the external world from ourself, some of our internal parts are going to be like, you shouldn't do that, that's not safe, that might lose you love if you set that boundary in that way or that's not fair, you know, so there's a couple parts in my system who are incredibly jealous of the parenting that my kids receive, you know, there are the parts that say things like, oh man, you would never have spoken to your mom like that, you would never have gotten away with that and like I wasn't even ever spanked or anything like kind of shame and disappointment was what was used to control me, but there's parts that when my kids have very normal human responses to disappointments there, like you better rein that in, you know, they're not going to be ok if they're allowed to do those things, All of that language comes up and part of being in self leadership is recognizing like I know you're really worried about my daughter, you feel jealous that she's getting this compassion that you never got and you you're over here, you're really worried that if she doesn't learn to control this, no one's going to like her and that's scary because you love her, you know, and just holding that space inside in the midst of holding the space for your kid. I mean it's super hard but that's what conscious parenting is, right. Yeah, totally. Yeah, conscious parenting is not a set of practices that you do on the outside with your kid. It's the practices you do on the inside in the midst of doing this stuff on the outside, you know? Totally. Yeah, I think it's also knowing we can bring those parts of us that relief there waiting for you. So just like your child is going to be relieved when you say I won't let you hit. And even if they're saying no, I want to hit. But like deep down there's a part of them that is glad that we're saying okay, when you get to the point where you're trying to punch me in the face, I'm here and I'm holding that fist. Yeah. And so that's okay for you to try as hard as you want and see that I won't let you go there. That part of you isn't bigger than you. And I think it can be very similar to my inner parts, you know, and I'll just be like, okay, I hear you, I hear you, I hear you and I've got this, you don't have to take the steering wheel and go tell her to like screw up, tell me that's what you want. And then I'll go, this happens with me and my partner to there's parts of me that feel really annoyed with my partner. Sometimes I don't like what he does or kind of want to be like almost like Shamy to him. And so I talked to myself and I said, I hear what you're saying, I'll let you say that mean thing to him. He does not need to hear it. I'm not going to let you use those hurtful words to him because he's a great dad. He's not the person that you think he is too. Sometimes my parts get a little confused about just because the nature of who we choose for our partners are partners often remind us of certain people who have hurt us in the past. Yeah. They have traits that remind us of those things. And so then sometimes your parts can get a little confused about that. So sometimes I have to remind my partner remind myself that my partner is not my dad. You know, I know this sounds so familiar. This reminds you of interactions you watched between mom and dad and that's not what's happening here. He is not my dad. And the self conversations are so important to do totally. Yeah. And I think in doing so, we remind every single one of their please parts of their goodness. Yeah. It's like, I don't care that you're telling me that you feel like you want to shake her. You're still good. I'm not going to let us shake her, but you want to shake her because of what you've been through. And I'm here for you and we've got a lifetime together for me to listen to you and help you with that. And so that message which is so similar to the messages we compare to our Children. You know, it's just going to let me remind you and I always bringing it back to this reminder of that inherent goodness that we have. The self isn't the only good part. The self has the leadership capacity, but the self is there to remind all of these little parts inside of us that oh my God, you've been working so hard. You have been doing the very best. Yeah. And guess what? That never trusting anybody that always wanting to remind the whole system that we can't quite trust somebody that must be exhausting. So thank you. And also what if I told you that we could do something else with that very discerning and intuitive I that you have because I need you. I need those skills that you have. But what if I gave you some new information and gave you a new way to help the system? Yeah. I mean that's a really transport formative part of parts work too. Is that helping figuring out a parts, motivation and goal and then helping them build new skills for meeting that goal in a way that serves the system while serves the system. And I mean this is essentially we are respectfully parenting our internal system. Yeah. And another thing that I really like about a chef's being based on systems thinking is that some of these basic principles of human systems like balance and harmony between the parts, they really allow us to understand why some of the systems that we are moving with it. Like how our family system when we were a child really affected the parts we developed. but also how the greater systems that we are now trying to parent within can make it extremely difficult. You know that not all of this is just like why is parenting so hard for just me is like well we are in a system that makes it very hard to have a balanced and harmonious system in your home actually and that's going to be influencing every little child system. And so that awareness can help us to find ways to on an inner level, bring that balance and harmony on a family level, bring that balance and harmony. But also this is where it can really allow us to understand how the society we grew up in shaped us and our activism. You know, how can we create more and more of a balanced society? Because another thing that was really a huge, huge to my development was growing up as the daughter of immigrants And you know, my parents were immigrants from Mexico and they had some very stereotypically Mexican businesses. My dad had a gardening business and my mom had a house cleaning business and they did very well and they did so well that I mean they did well financially with their businesses that when I was 11 we moved to a very white part of Orange County, which I was born in a much more diverse. There was a lot of other Mexican American families where I was born. But then we moved and of course the contrast just become so evident. And so I definitely developed this part of me that was very adaptive to white culture. And then, you know, I spent the summers in Mexico with my parents families and it wasn't just our relatives who lived in the cities, but I mean we would sometimes we would be in rural villages where everything was, it was another world and I developed a part of me that very much loved and wanted to be a part of that world too and I felt like for so long in this very kind of binary polarized culture we live in, I had to be one or the other and while I knew I could kind of be both but then it's like oh so that does that mean you have to be latin X or she connects because you know like you had to have this label. Whereas I feel like parts work has really allowed me to say, okay well I'm gabby, I am myself but that doesn't mean I am not these parts it means and I am the daughter of Mexican immigrants and I am a product of going to very white schools and I am now living as an immigrant in Mexico for the past 15 years and that has you know, a whole other kind of set of skills that I'm drawing on from my childhood, you know, but it's an and an and an and and it's also understanding that every single one of those parts of me that either learned to help me survive by fitting in with my peers and within the dominant society or the part of me that helped me feel like a part of my family culturally and like a part of those traditions that all of those parts learned to do very valuable things for me. But they also developed a lot of limiting beliefs. Um, and so you know, allowing them to always have a seat at my table and have voices and also saying okay, but you know that part of you that learned that acting White is like really bad. Like that little belief there that acting White is a you know that all of that without something I want you to that's okay, it's okay. You talk the way you talk and so and bringing that perspective to that part and you know to the part of me that learned to perform in white culture, like you know that part of you that learned that there's something shameful about what your parents do for a living because most of your friends have house cleaners and gardeners, let's go back, let's go back and he'll that because it is not. And so I think that it can be so meaningful on so many levels in the parenting experience. But a lot of us are bringing more complex cultural stories and class stories and a lot of different dynamics that are socially very strongly influenced and Parts work allows us to make sense of that because we want to make sense of it for our kids. Those stories are so important to thank you so much for sharing that. I do I think that there's this, you know, none of us are all one thing, right? And so I do think Parts work can really help us understand that, you know, that our identities are complex and important and that each little part of us carries a story and really important information that we need and has times where they've adapted strategies in ways to cope that were great in our life and now have become maladaptive now and it's not that they are bad or wrong or sabotaging us, it's that the way they've learned to be in the world and to help us is there is no longer serving us and we need to shift to other strategies. And even beyond that, it's like and you're allowed to show up in ways maybe you had never imagined, maybe you didn't think you had the right to bring all of these different parts of you and tell each little part like no, that little like spark you have that you thought like bring it on, letting them know that they're allowed to show up in these ways that they just didn't think they were. I love it. Thank you so much, gabby for sharing this with us. It's so helpful I think to talk about this and to know that we all have these parts within us and that we're not crazy when our parts start talking to us or when we feel like we're talking back to ourselves. I'm just wondering to about so if a person wants to start figuring out who is talking to them when they're triggered by their kids are, you know, what's going on? What is one thing that parents who are listening to this could do today, just right in the next 10 minutes after they stop listening to this episode that they could do to become a little bit more aware of their parts, a little bit more moving into a little bit more of self leadership. What's something they could do? Well, usually it's going to be an emotion, right? That's the sign that apart is like, hello, I'm ready for you to hear me. They have something to say. Yeah. And so whatever that emotion is, what I find really helpful is to just put my hands on the part of my body where that emotion is showing up and that might not be the automatic thing. And so if you're even if you haven't identified where it is in your body, just do it okay, I hear you. I'm here, and that automatically just brings us closer to ourselves. And if you can, you know, let's say it's sometimes in my chest, but sometimes I'll just like lay down and really wait to see where it's alive, where it's most alive in me. You know, if you can and let me just say your child watching you walk over to the sofa and laying down instead, because that's what you need for this is going to be a lot better than getting told off. Even if it seems so, you know, it's okay to even do that and that in front of them, but wherever. And just put your hands wherever you feel it, like, okay, I hear you. Yeah. And there's a few kind of I'm sure you're familiar with these right? That these helpful I. F. S. Questions to get to know more about the parts, but usually it's like you know, first of all thank you because I know you're trying to help me. I know you've been helping me out for a long time. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, Not a dismissive one, a real you know? Okay not a thank you. But no but like Thank you. Thank you. Will this make you shut up? You don't want that one. No, no. And then and sometimes even in the thank you, especially if we've been doing this for a few times, you know like for example, I know that my anger is there to let me know I don't want to get walked all over forever because I did for a long time, right? And so there's always a thank you for reminding me of that. Thank you for reminding me of my worth. You know? But in the moment it can just be a thank you. I know you're here to help me. I'm not exactly sure how I know you're here to help me. And then if you can if the if the circumstance allows you to do this, just take a minute and say what do you want me to know? Right? And so they might say this isn't fair. I'm just so tired. You know I'm just I'm not done yet. I needed rest and it wasn't enough for you know it's just going to all come out and we just want to hold that right. And really depends if we have to kind of be very moving in and helping our child to its this I'm here with you and I'm going to help her right now with her feelings. And then if we feel like that part starts to scream a little more, we can say to our child I'm here with you and I just can't help you with all your emotions right now. But I'm right here and we go back and we connect with that part, right? So we can do this dance and really depending on how much because it's not a guarantee that listening to the part means it's going to be like okay now you may be gentle mama. Sometimes it will though, sometimes it'll be like, oh yeah, yeah, I want to be on team, let's help her. But sometimes it hurts too bad. So it's just going to depend, you know, and if we have that opportunity where we're not needing to support our child at the same time, we're just going to go back to that script of okay, what do you want me to know? And that's OK. Yeah. So you come and you make me feel really, really angry when these things happen. What do you think would happen if you didn't do that for me? What are you afraid is going to happen? And so we can learn a little bit more about what that part has been protecting us from, You know? So we don't have to go through all of these steps every time, but it's kind of helpful to know them and to know that if it's feeling right and you have the time, you know, you can take it to that next level and be like, okay, alright, how old do you think I am? How old are you? You know? And we can know even more and as you can see there's no. But when did you start being that way? But what was the traumatic event from childhood? It's a just, okay. I'm curious. Just curious. And we've got our whole lives to have conversations together. So tell me what you're ready to tell me today. And then usually after a few encounters with that part because it's coming back and coming together several times throughout life and it's several many times throughout life. Is there, well, who are you protecting? Right. And that might tell you about that exile part that they're protecting you from or the polarized or the other part of the system that they don't like, that. They're like, no, if I let her take over. Like so a lot of different things can come out there. And then I think a lot of the deeper work, you know, I can't really go into it here of how we then you work with the exile but this script can help you to just let that part No, you're there and that you're there to listen to them. So that's kind of the approach I take in parenting and sometimes I only get as far then as saying, I hear you, I hear you, I hear you, I have to go because she is really upset, she's really alone and you know, and I do have to go be with my daughter. And one thing just to add to that too. So just like we build trust with our kids when we circle back to something like this is important, I got to keep you safe right now, but we're going to circle back and we'll work this out and we build trust with our kids that they can rely on us. We're going to be there to support them. We might not be able to meet all our needs right in that moment, but we are there for them. When we do that to our inner parts where we say, I hear you, I see you, you have important things to tell me. I've got to handle this right now. We've got to show up for them. We've got to do the same circle back with our in our parts. So when things are calm down, little one is settled back into playing, they have to be able to rely on us to come back. Okay. You had some really important stuff to say. You had some really big thoughts and feelings about what was happening. I'm here now, I can really listen to you and that's how we build trust with our internal system because that's the thing. They don't trust us to run the show. They've become themselves because they felt the need to step in and take over and run the show because for whatever reason they were worried that we weren't going to keep them safe, that we weren't able to keep them safe. And so to build that trust, Worthiness to build their confidence in us as the leaders so that they will let us run be the ones who are leading and running the family, the internal family systems. We have to build that trust. We have to be true to our words and come back to them and check in with them. Yeah, it's like that Perent ified child, you know when the absent parent comes back and says okay, give me the Trask it's like oh no, like you are gonna really have to convince these kids that they can really count on you and that your for good, good times and the bad and yeah, you're right, that takes time. Yeah, I mean, so like if we are in the moment with our kids and our parts are really loud, the stories that we tell ourselves and you know your parts are loud when your thoughts are in a flood and you're thinking all these things like she's never going to learn this, she's too old to be acting this way, She's such a spoiled brat. Like all of these thoughts, those are all parts stories and if we want to get that to slow down so we can get a pause with her, you know, so that we can then be responsive to what's happening instead of just reacting from our stories and we have to start somewhere and sometimes we can't even get enough awareness in the moment when it's happening to acknowledge those that flood of thoughts and the parts that were thinking them. So sometimes at the very beginning this means checking in with ourselves, you know, man, I kind of lost my cool today, I've made up with the kids, I've repaired with the kids and now I need to repair with my parts and now I need to figure out what's going on with them. And so sometimes when I think about internal work we can do it proactively where we are kind of prepared since we know there are land mines in our home and we're going to kind of go in and figure out what's going on and kind of the proactive way, we can do it in the moment, in this kind of responsive way, responsibly hold space for ourselves and for our child at the same time and then at the beginning a lot of the times we have to be doing it retroactively or retrospectively looking back so true. You know, these three areas where this work can happen, these three timeframes, when it can happen in at first, lots of it's going to be happening, reflecting back, kind of, reflectively, you know, thinking back on, okay, so when this happened, I had this thought, who here was thinking that who here has that story coming here, come on, I want to come talk to me about that, you know, so a lot of its retrospective at first, and then you get better and better and better at it and you can start doing it in the moment and hopefully, you know, you're also doing it proactively to, so that in the moment when the things come up, when your kid, you know, I have one kid who is very similar to me, she brings up a lot of fears that my parts have about her love ability and my love ability, her worth her worthiness and mine we know that about her, my internal family system knows that about her. And so I proactively spend time with those parts who get worried about her to sue them so that when they come up and those behaviors of hers that really highlight our worries and fears that are worth come up, we already had a conversation about it like I already know and they know I know how they're feeling to I don't know if that was yeah, it was so helpful and I think that's where our managers become our allies because I have a manager that I can be like, you remember the game plan? Okay? You remember the game plan? Because I know my triggers to I know how hard it is for me to be bossed around. It is so hard or to feel boxed around. So it's like, it's helpful to have this manager that's going to remind me of my strategy because it's the practicing each step. And so my step, there's a step for me when I bossed around, it has to be immediate. It has to be this immediate. Remember yourself, remember yourself, Remember yourself? Give yourself a right the second your kid bosses you around, you're like, OK, I know you're coming manager there, you are. I know you don't like that. You didn't like that. You remember we've got a plan for when this happens, you know? Exactly. Uh uh beautiful. It's so good. It's such good work. Okay. So, you know, I think that there are people who are like, that was cool. Like, I don't know how that's gonna work for me, but there are other people who are like, oh my gosh, I never knew that it was okay for me to have these parts that, you know, I know when I first heard about I F. S. I was like, oh, oh good, I'm not crazy, you know, Thank you so much. Thank you so much Laura, I had so much fun talking about Fs with you too, I could geek out about it all day, thank you. Yeah, thanks so much for joining us. Okay, so thanks for listening today. Um remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from. And if you're listening, grab ish green shot and tag me on instagram so that I can give you a shout out. Um, and definitely go follow me on instagram. I'm at laura for Ryan ph D um, that's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like an action with my family and plus I share a lot of other really great resources there too. All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself and just remember balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this. Yeah.